It’s gonna be really f*cking cold in Florida; impending snow, death, mayhem

(WTFF) – Put on extra pairs of socks before you step into your sandals this week, because Florida’s gonna get really f*cking cold and we’re all gonna die*. Full Story »

Florida Man rescued after losing control of the swan-shaped boat he stole

Linton E. Allen Memorial Fountain

An Orlando man was rescued after he stole a swan boat at Lake Eola, lost control of it, and then got stuck on the fountain. (orlandoweekly.com)

UPDATE: Apparently he took a bunch of Ecstasy (MDMA) and said that “wanted to go be with the swans because they don’t judge him.”

That actually makes sense actually. clickorlando.com has more details. Full Story »

Coked-Out Florida Man Smacks a Police Horse’s Ass in Downtown Orlando

Casey Waldner

Casey Martin Waldner is a 29-year-old Florida Man who lives in Pace, a small town in the Panhandle near Pensacola. According to clickorlando.com, this particular Florida Man came from San Diego, California originally. Florida Man is rarely ever from Florida. Since California is basically the other Florida, we can expect his behavior to be equally shitty.

He’s a North Floridian now. North Floridians hardly ever visit Orlando unless they’re spending their life savings on a family Disney trip. Occasionally though, these creatures visit Church St. where all the nightclubs are, and things tend to go sour…

Casey was in downtown Orlando Saturday night engaging in the local Orlando hobbies of getting belligerently drunk and snorting coke. Since life in Florida is a miserable existence with no clear route of escape, he does what most of our people do and kills away what’s left of his brain with reality-escaping substances. It sure beats his Panhandle home, where nightly entertainment usually involves cow-tipping and meth.

Feeling nice and numb, he marched sloppily down Orange Avenue near Washington Street. It was about 2:30 a.m. Sunday morning; the “witching hour” of drunken stupor, where most everyone feels confident regardless of their worthlessness.
Full Story »

Florida Burglar learned his skills from Naruto

Christopher Zahyeer Atkins

25-year-old Christopher Zahyeer Atkins of Altamonte Springs was arrested for burglary up in Atlanta on Monday.

When police questioned him, he said that Naruto was teaching him how to be a ninja and how to break into places.

He tried using his manga-learned skills to lift a rear door, but was unsuccessful.

Full Story »

Florida Man Tells Airport Worker to Check his Bag “Before it Explodes”

Fred Gray

ORLANDO, Fla. – Officers responded to a “verbal face-to-face bomb threat” Thursday evening at the Orlando International Airport, Orlando police said in a news release.

The release said Fred Gray told an employee that he needed to “get this bag checked in before it explodes.”

Officers separated Gray from his bag and called for K-9 units, police said. Airport authorities said they recognized Gray as a person who had been to the police office earlier in the day to report that his wallet had been stolen.
Full Story »

Day care worker in wheelchair allegedly caught raping baby in Orlando Chick-fil-A bathroom

david michael gray

ORLANDO, Fla. – A 35-year-old wheelchair-bound Orlando man was arrested and charged with numerous counts after a customer at a Chick-fil-A allegedly caught him raping a baby girl in the restaurant’s bathroom, police said.

The witness told police that he went to the restroom and while he was at the urinal, saw something questionable in a reflection on the wall tile, an Orlando police report said. Full Story »

Boy, 5, fatally shoots himself in day care parking lot

Judah Todman

ORLANDO, Fla. – A 5-year-old boy fatally shot himself while in a vehicle in a parking lot across the street from Florida Hospital East, the Orange County Sheriff’s Office said.

The shooting happened just before 4 p.m. in the parking lot of the Neighborhood Kid Academy day care in the 200 block of Neighborhood Market Road, deputies said.

The boy, who was identified as Judah Todman, was found mortally wounded in the vehicle and was rushed across the street to the hospital, where he died. Full Story »

Drunk Ocoee Man arrested for impersonating a cop

Albert Dolan

53-year-old Ocoee man Albert Dolan was doing what Florida Man does best…

Drinking.

He got the bright idea to hop into his Dodge Charger with fake police lights and drive 66 MPH in a 35 MPH zone.

An officer spotted him and pulled him over. Albert screamed that he was a cop and worked for both the FDLE and the DEA.

In typical Florida Man fashion, his words were slurred, his eyes bloodshot, and his breath full of liquor. He was arrested.

Full Story »

Andy the Arhat Anole

andy-the-arhat-anole-og

Never give up. Never feel alone. Never get discouraged.

You see this lizard? All day long he chants Metta (loving-kindness) for YOU, because you matter. His name is Andy. He’s a Brown Anole who attained Arhatship (Nirvana, more or less). You can chant with him using the translation below… Full Story »

Suicidal Woman Shot by Winter Park Police

Orwin Manor Winter Park officer involved shooting

Orwin Manor is a ritzy little neighborhood in Orlando.

Within one of these overpriced homes near the intersection of Harmon and Wisconsin Avenue lives a couple, who like many Florida couples, made it onto our website.

As would anyone living in a city completely devoid of culture or quality entertainment, the girl living in this big house with her boyfriend became suicidal.

She picked up a gun (Florida homes usually have several lying around) and tried to evoke a pity party, telling her boyfriend that she was going to kill herself.

The boyfriend, who obviously has never read any Florida news, did the worst thing possible in this situation…

He called the cops.

They arrived, and did exactly what they’re trained to do. They shot her.

The woman was taken to the hospital with a gunshot wound that is not life-threatening, police said.

The Florida Department of Law Enforcement has taken over the investigation, as is standard for officer-involved shootings.

Source: wftv.com

Orlando Karate Teacher Tries Seducing an 11-Year-Old Boy

Most of us guys remember having a crush on a woman twice our age as a kid. Well, here we are in the future, and while we don’t have hoverboards yet, we do have the ability to send information at nearly the speed of light through satellites…

We can use this technology for many things: good and evil.

Stephannie Figueroa, age 20, who works at Next Gen Xtreme Martial Arts in Orlando, chose the evil path and used these powers to flirt with an 11-year old boy. Full Story »

Florida Mom arrested for leaving kids in hot car while she drinks at bar

mom leaves kid in car

ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. (WOFL FOX 35) – Two Orange County officers were reportedly called to check on two children, who were left in a running vehicle for over an hour.

Upon arrival, they fond two children in the backseat of a running silver Ford Focus. There was no parent or adult around. The officers opened the door and found the little girl, reportedly about five years old, crying hysterically. There was also another smaller male child, reportedly three of four years old, sleeping in a car seat. Full Story »

Florida Man gets arrested while shopping for eclipse glasses

Rosado eclipse

So, this guy drove to Harbor Freight and bought a welder’s mask to view the eclipse… problem is, ends up the car was stolen. We are not sure whether he knew that or not, and since everybody in the world is completely full of shit (from police to thieves) there’s really no way of knowing. We do not know that he stole the car, only that he was in possession of the stolen vehicle. Since this is the good ol’ boy south, cops thought it would be funny to post his picture on Facebook before any trial (but to be fair, it’s a pretty funny story). Full Story »