Light Lunch

Hotel Gators

At an Orlando resort where a mom and dad sat on beach chairs and chatted while their two little darlings waded around knee-deep in a pond posted for gators.

Coked-Out Florida Man Smacks a Police Horse’s Ass in Downtown Orlando

Casey Waldner

Casey Martin Waldner is a 29-year-old Florida Man who lives in Pace, a small town in the Panhandle near Pensacola. According to clickorlando.com, this particular Florida Man came from San Diego, California originally. Florida Man is rarely ever from Florida. Since California is basically the other Florida, we can expect his behavior to be equally shitty.

He’s a North Floridian now. North Floridians hardly ever visit Orlando unless they’re spending their life savings on a family Disney trip. Occasionally though, these creatures visit Church St. where all the nightclubs are, and things tend to go sour…

Casey was in downtown Orlando Saturday night engaging in the local Orlando hobbies of getting belligerently drunk and snorting coke. Since life in Florida is a miserable existence with no clear route of escape, he does what most of our people do and kills away what’s left of his brain with reality-escaping substances. It sure beats his Panhandle home, where nightly entertainment usually involves cow-tipping and meth.

Feeling nice and numb, he marched sloppily down Orange Avenue near Washington Street. It was about 2:30 a.m. Sunday morning; the “witching hour” of drunken stupor, where most everyone feels confident regardless of their worthlessness.
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Florida Man Tells Airport Worker to Check his Bag “Before it Explodes”

Fred Gray

ORLANDO, Fla. – Officers responded to a “verbal face-to-face bomb threat” Thursday evening at the Orlando International Airport, Orlando police said in a news release.

The release said Fred Gray told an employee that he needed to “get this bag checked in before it explodes.”

Officers separated Gray from his bag and called for K-9 units, police said. Airport authorities said they recognized Gray as a person who had been to the police office earlier in the day to report that his wallet had been stolen.
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Day care worker in wheelchair allegedly caught raping baby in Orlando Chick-fil-A bathroom

david michael gray

ORLANDO, Fla. – A 35-year-old wheelchair-bound Orlando man was arrested and charged with numerous counts after a customer at a Chick-fil-A allegedly caught him raping a baby girl in the restaurant’s bathroom, police said.

The witness told police that he went to the restroom and while he was at the urinal, saw something questionable in a reflection on the wall tile, an Orlando police report said. Full Story »

Boy, 5, fatally shoots himself in day care parking lot

Judah Todman

ORLANDO, Fla. – A 5-year-old boy fatally shot himself while in a vehicle in a parking lot across the street from Florida Hospital East, the Orange County Sheriff’s Office said.

The shooting happened just before 4 p.m. in the parking lot of the Neighborhood Kid Academy day care in the 200 block of Neighborhood Market Road, deputies said.

The boy, who was identified as Judah Todman, was found mortally wounded in the vehicle and was rushed across the street to the hospital, where he died. Full Story »

Drunk Ocoee Man arrested for impersonating a cop

Albert Dolan

53-year-old Ocoee man Albert Dolan was doing what Florida Man does best…

Drinking.

He got the bright idea to hop into his Dodge Charger with fake police lights and drive 66 MPH in a 35 MPH zone.

An officer spotted him and pulled him over. Albert screamed that he was a cop and worked for both the FDLE and the DEA.

In typical Florida Man fashion, his words were slurred, his eyes bloodshot, and his breath full of liquor. He was arrested.

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Andy the Arhat Anole

andy-the-arhat-anole-og

Never give up. Never feel alone. Never get discouraged.

You see this lizard? All day long he chants Metta (loving-kindness) for YOU, because you matter. His name is Andy. He’s a Brown Anole who attained Arhatship (Nirvana, more or less). You can chant with him using the translation below… Full Story »