The Villages: Beer and STDs

Thanks to Viagra, The Villages is a goldmine of lemon parties. Thanks to alcoholism and Baby Boomer Americana culture, booze are plentiful. Thanks to the Morse family, this bubble exists in the middle of Florida.

The STD rate is actually pretty low in Lake, Sumter, and Marion counties, but The Villagers do like to get down and dirty. They can afford doctor visits though, putting their counties a little lower on the official Florida STD Rate List. A lot goes on behind closed doors though…

Don’t ask about the key parties.

The Villages

The Villages is the world’s largest retirement community, spanning 3 counties in the middle of Florida. They drive golf carts everywhere, from Publix to the doctor to any place that sells alcohol. Happy hour goes on all day, every day. They line dance, twerk, party and get drunk every night on the three main squares and surrounding areas. “Key parties” are common. They are recognized as their own city by the residents, though it’s technically a census-designated place. Full Story »

It’s gonna be really f*cking cold in Florida; impending snow, death, mayhem

(WTFF) – Put on extra pairs of socks before you step into your sandals this week, because Florida’s gonna get really f*cking cold and we’re all gonna die*. Full Story »

Lady Lake Man Drowned Toddler Because Wife was Divorcing Him

Jeremy Main

The Lady Lake man accused of drowning his 18-month-old daughter on Monday told his wife that he killed their child because she was divorcing him, according to an arrest affidavit.

Lake County deputies went to Jeremy Main’s home on Redbud Road in Lady Lake on Monday morning and found the toddler dead in the bathtub.

The Lake County Sheriff’s Office said it responded to the house after police in Ocala received a call from Main’s wife, who told them that her husband had just called and told her that he killed their child.
Full Story »

Ringtones and The Villages

You haven’t seen true pandemonium until you’ve witnessed the mad fumbling of pocket and purse searching in The Villages when a default ring tone goes off.

Suddenly, accompanying the alarm, an orchestra of candy wrappers and groans create a soundtrack to the story of each person desiring to answer their phone.

Even the ones who had their grandkids update their ringtones leap out of their geriatric slumber to answer the incoming call… It could be important.

Perhaps it’s the IRS calling to verify their social security number. Maybe it’s a shipping update on that Viagra order.

The rumpus is further exaggerated as wives plead with their weary husbands to hurry up, disparaging their every effort with wrinkly contempt.

Everyone over 60 fumbles through their belongings.

Peppermint candies and Werther’s Originals scatter across the floor. Lightly crumbled tissues float away. Hands get stuck in pockets. Walkers and canes tumble. Hips are broken. Emergency rooms are inundated. Such is life in the world’s largest retirement community.