Secede July 16, 2018

We, the people of the State of Florida in Convention assembled, do solemnly ordain, publish and declare: That the State of Florida hereby withdraws herself from the country existing under the name of the United States of America, and from the existing Government of said country.

July 16, 2018

International Florida

Don’t act like like South Florida “ain’t really Florida” because it’s not crawling with white people who are terrified of spicy food. The Calusa Indians were riding canoes down to Cuba and The Bahamas for trade purposes in the 1500s. Florida’s always been international.

Exciting News

Be wary of news that excites you too much. Facts are often boring. The exception is, of course, news about the mishaps of Florida Man and Florida Woman. Within their perversions there is purity. They live within the moment and are often victims of their own spontaneousness. Deep down inside, they are good people who are deeply affected by the fascinating state of Florida.

Wild

Florida’s always been wild. The name “Sim-in-oli” was given to those who left Oconee around 1750. It means “wild.” Members of the Creek Confederacy who traveled south to what is now Florida were probably proud of their honorific, as are Floridians.

Political Ads

My opponent is a fucking piece of shit. Fuck them. Vote for me. I’ll make everything better for you. This message has been approved by [your favorite politician] and targeted directly to you, based on your browsing habits, what you said to your lover the other night, and what kind of person you are (based on millions of matrices of data collected about you without your knowledge). We know all your trigger points. We know your dreams. Do you?

Deplorable Culture

Because crude, idiotic, insulting language and behavior is the norm now, we’re semi-officially and temporarily changing our name from “What The Fuck, Florida” to “Wow, That’s Fascinating, Florida.” You can still call it whatever you want, or just use the acronym WTFF. Or make up your own acronym, like “Wild, Thoughtful, Fascinating Floridians.” It’s our state. We can do what we want. Full Story »

Reality and The News

Everything that enters your mind through your sensory inputs is bullshit. Reality and interpretation of reality are never the same thing. Media predominantly confuses and exploits the basic fact that our perception is limited and prone to emotional bias. News is just click-bait, except for the rare article that’s written to enlighten, encourage, and educate, rather than disturb, shock, and confuse. We’re guilty of it too, but we just do it for shits and giggles, and because Florida deserves a WTFF News (for good and bad reasons). This has been a public service announcement.

Pointing Versus Turn Signals

ATTENTION TOURISTS: If you see a Floridian pointing outside of their vehicle and giving you puppy dog eyes, they’re most likely asking if they can move their vehicle in front of yours. Yes, it would make more sense to use a turn signal, and that is the law, but this is Florida. Just go with the flow. Let them in. This is a public service announcement brought to you by WTFF News: Florida’s best worst news site.

Cannabis Laws

The laws regarding cannabis are completely archaic and absurd. They were founded in ignorance, fear, greed, and hatred, rather than research, understanding, fairness, and respect. That being said, it’s not the fault of the police that the herb is illegal. Don’t hate them for it. They’re just doing their job, and over half of them probably agree with our sentiment (but won’t outwardly say it). Don’t fucking drive around with expired tags while smoking loud. Don’t hang out in parking lots rolling blunts in broad daylight. Don’t be obvious. Don’t be stupid. It breaks our Floridian hearts to see how often people get arrested for a tiny bit of marijuana… cars impounded, work interfered with, families disturbed, debt arising… it’s tragic and senseless. One day we will fix our laws regarding cannabis. Until then, just don’t be so fucking obvious with it, OK? This is a public service announcement brought to you by WTFF News. Full Story »

Politics versus Ethics

As a result of sifting through countless arrest affidavits and living in Florida, we are very familiar with suffering, which is a result of greed, hatred, and delusion. Occasionally our page will support movements in Florida that aim to lessen the amount of suffering in our world. Some people accuse us of being “political.” We don’t take sides. The whole left and right divide is at best a distraction. Federal indictments show that outside influences spent millions to further the divide, as they continue to do with “trolling.” Don’t take the bait.

If you have replaced your humanity with political loyalty, then you may not like what we post here. Kindly leave us in peace. For the rest of you who actually care about Floridians (and non-Floridians), we welcome you here. This is a place for everyone. From rednecks to thugs to conservatives to liberals to gun nuts to hippies, we all are one. All the labels blend together to form humans, and many of us fall into several if not all of those categories. Florida’s a very diverse place, and that’s what makes it so amazing. Don’t let polytricks distract and divide us.

The Florida Man Facebook page wrote an excellent note about politics versus ethics, which we are quoting below:

Ethics versus politics

Because I’m seeing some confusion:

Disagreeing about the most effective way to provide food for hungry kids is “politics.”

Disagreeing about whether or not hungry kids should be fed at all is “ethics.”

Disagreeing about the most effective, safe, and humane ways to provide aid and shelter to refugees is politics.

Disagreeing about whether or not we should help people fleeing violence and oppression at all is ethics.

Disagreeing about what’s the most effective and efficient way of providing healthcare to everyone who needs it is politics.

Disagreeing about whether or not we should let poor people suffer and die because they lack the ability to pay for healthcare is ethics.

I could go on (and feel free to share your own examples).

I’m not getting too invested in a “political discussion,” or unfairly discriminating against you because of your “political beliefs.”

I’m reacting with the appropriate level of horror, anger, and sadness one feels when encountering a person whose ethics are so warped and rapacious that any decent human being would be disgusted, and even genuinely frightened.

I’m not taking politics “too personally.” You’re not taking the the massive violations of basic human rights, and the suffering of real thinking, feeling people, personally *enough*.

Tallahassee, The Capital of Florida

My name is Tallahassee
a’on know about y’all,
but I’m real damn proud
Of my cock and my balls.

The capital of Florida,
America’s wang,
got some Antebellum babies
that became unchained.

Most of us are meth heads,
hidin’ in the woods,
all the dang northeasterners
ruined our moods…

All state laws
pass through my city,
Ah like ’em even more
if you think they’re shitty.

Floridians in the Modern Age of Advertising and Media

Remember that most news agencies are only committed to shoving sensationalized garbage down your senses to appease their profit-hungry overlords. We should take solace in the words of Tupac as our human species explores the vast new landscape of meme warfare, “fake news,” and data-driven advertising catered specifically to your brain from your stolen data: “Recollect your thoughts don’t get caught up in the mix; Cause the media is full of dirty tricks.” Here at WTFF News we are committed to being Florida’s best worst news station. We are still biased, and will do everything in our editorial power to make Florida Man and Florida Woman look ridiculous (they do most of the heavy lifting for us). If we go too far off track, please reel us back in. Many Floridians are somewhat immune to the manipulation of their senses, letting sunshine and a care-free lifestyle act as their armor against the pummeling waves of disinformation. Let’s continue that trend as we navigate these uncharted modern territories with kindness, patience, and respect.

Belligerently Stupid Drivers

Drivers in Florida are belligerently stupid. You have the jacked up pickup trucks with rebel flags, swerving between lanes, their shaved head drivers bright red and bouncing up and down out of anger. Then you have the old people that drive 20 below in the passing lane because they have to turn left in the next county. Then you have that old person’s grand kid who does the same thing because he’s high on Oxycontin and doesn’t know the difference between passing lanes and traveling lanes. It’s enough to make you fucking crazy.

Volusia County Sheriff Mike Chitwood

If every Sheriff thought like him, Florida would be a much safer and more peaceful place. Amazing Florida Man headlines would decrease, but it’d be worth it. Cop hate would decrease, because there would be more accountability and trust. Crime would decrease because we could focus on important stuff and not waste effort. Plus we could call scumbags “scumbags” and lying politicians “lying sacks of shit” without worrying about being politically correct, as long as that rough language is being used to break down negativity and inequality.

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/how-a-pro-trump-county-elected-a-pro-immigrant-reformer-as-sheriff

Not everything is as it seems

Not everything is as it seems. Live here long enough and you’ll understand. “Pain Clinics” just sell drugs to opiate addicts with no legal repercussions. “Crisis Pregnancy Centers” are full of pastors masquerading as doctors. “Internet Cafes” are underground casinos where old people go to gamble their social security money away. “Massage Parlors” with blacked out windows are just places for busy men to get hand jobs. “Full Sail” is a daycare for young adults with rich parents. “Publix” is more than a grocery store, it’s a lifestyle. “Wildlife” isn’t nearly as wild as Florida Man and Florida Woman. These are just some of the epiphanies you will have as you become a Floridian.

Outsiders

America is the Florida of the world; outsiders like to point their fingers and laugh at us, but yet they still flock here in masses to vacation and live.

Jesus

If Jesus came back to Florida some idiot wearing a cross would probably shoot him because “he looked foreign.”

Some idiot like one of these stupid redneck assholes who decided to “Stand Their Ground” against a black man who showed up in a predominately white neighborhood.

The most fucked up thing about Florida is not our crazy criminals, freakish weather, or delusional drug addicts… it’s the fact that people put their selfish fears and desires far above their concern for others. Florida, you have a fucked up culture on the whole. You’re full of fathers who support and encourage police brutality. You’re full of mothers who leave their kids with weirdos to go get high. You’re full of people who believe one race is superior to another. You’re full of people who rape and murder and lie and assault women and claim atheists are the ones who are going to hell. You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves. Greed, hatred, and delusion grip tightly on many of you.

But let us not fall into that same poison of thought. Day to day we see the ones who are not like this. Florida’s incredibly diverse and full of good people, but the ones who express ugliness are usually the loudest, so we tend to get drawn into their webs of negativity. We’re not all that fucked up. They don’t account for all of us.

Thank you to everyone who still maintains some humanity.

Please continue to encourage goodness and compassion. Be a beacon of kindness and don’t let the hatred from other corrupt you.

Man at the pump

One of the victims of Florida approached me at a gas pump. “Hey bro, do you have a couple bucks,” he asked, eyes glazed, postured staggered, Florida Man activated… “I’d rather buy you food from inside, whaddya want?” He sunk his head down and shuffled his feet. Looking back up he said sincerely, “Man, I’m just trying to get a blunt.” I gave that man five dollars. Thank you Honest Florida Man. Proverbs 31:6 tells us to “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.” I just did my little part in the circle of existence. The real WTF in Florida (and everywhere) is how the selfish few perpetuate misery, poverty, and addiction for profit. They do this far away from the ghettos, safely inside their alarmed homes. Before you judge Florida Man as he clambers through the streets, you should know that shit trickles downhill. The true fuckery stems from the top of the financial food chain. Use your mind to judge with wisdom and knowledge, not emotion or impulsiveness.

How Florida Man Stays Eternal

trampite-logic-sex

Florida Man is suspended in time as a constant in the zaniest headlines. His death and rebirth are continuous and propelled by the same energy that he’s infamous for. As long as the contiguous U.S. has this peninsula in their southeast corner, Florida Man will exist, and WTFF News will be here to report his unravelings.

Full Story »

Ringtones and The Villages

You haven’t seen true pandemonium until you’ve witnessed the mad fumbling of pocket and purse searching in The Villages when a default ring tone goes off.

Suddenly, accompanying the alarm, an orchestra of candy wrappers and groans create a soundtrack to the story of each person desiring to answer their phone.

Even the ones who had their grandkids update their ringtones leap out of their geriatric slumber to answer the incoming call… It could be important.

Perhaps it’s the IRS calling to verify their social security number. Maybe it’s a shipping update on that Viagra order.

The rumpus is further exaggerated as wives plead with their weary husbands to hurry up, disparaging their every effort with wrinkly contempt.

Everyone over 60 fumbles through their belongings.

Peppermint candies and Werther’s Originals scatter across the floor. Lightly crumbled tissues float away. Hands get stuck in pockets. Walkers and canes tumble. Hips are broken. Emergency rooms are inundated. Such is life in the world’s largest retirement community.

Hell

Greetings everyone, website admin here. Last night I was swimming in a lake and an alligator bit me. Well, “bite” is an understatement. He ripped me in half and both sides of my severed body thrashed around with bloody palpitations. Every time a neuron fired from my brain to my lower extremities, it resulted in a misfire and created extremely painful convulsions as my life slowly exited my body. Then I started drowning (my top half rather). It was all very exciting and curious, and I wish someone had it on video. Full Story »

Toucan

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