Prison + Profit

It’s almost like arresting junkies and spending tax dollars to put them in overpriced storage containers only to release them later with no rehabilitation and with a record that denies them from having a good job doesn’t really work for society. Are humans actually so fucking stupid that they believe these efforts are effective? Or do our policy makers just pretend to be stupid because the school to prison pipeline is so profitable?

Stand Your Ground

If someone tries to assault you in any way, be sure to Stand Your Ground and place a bullet inside of them. If you let them live, they could hurt someone else. If you go through the courts, the assailant will be untouchable if they have money or political clout. Do the world a favor and exercise your rights to carry a concealed weapon and defend yourself.

leg.state.fl.us/statutes

Liberal Twitter Feed

Show a topic that makes you angry, but one that makes you feel solidarity with other angry people.

Show another one.

And another.

Show an ad about something that some advertiser thinks you might want to pay for, based on your data.

Like-minded people agreeing with each other.

BUY CRAPPY PIZZA FROM THIS GIANT CORPORATION

News article about how Trump tweeted something stupid.

More angry people.

BUY THIS DOG FOOD

People sitting on their computer complaining and not taking drastic measures to ameliorate their proclaimed “drastic situation.”

Stupid Republicans saying stupid things that we can laugh at for a second. They vote though.

Video of cute puppies.

Obligation to Kindness

From @Are0h on playvicious.social

Remember, you are under no obligation to be kind to people that mean you harm. You do not owe civility to anyone that denies your basic human right to exist safely.

It is pointless to attempt to reason with a person that is resigned to believe your suffering is necessary and your pain in inevitable.

Resist that falsehood. Use a bat if you have to.

You matter. Your safety and well being matter. Full Story »

Terms of Use in a Nutshell

Basically, we ain’t responsible for shit, you ain’t responsible for shit, everyone can say whatever the fuck they want. Nobody can (successfully) sue us for libel, because our shit’s tight and we only report facts directly from arrest affidavits or other news sources. Nobody can sue use for making fun of them because of 17 U.S.C. § 107. We don’t have to be decent because of 47 U.S.C. § 230. No company can try to censor us because of Florida Statutes 768.295. Our readers can write any comment they want, even if it’s disturbing, because “the comments posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. No legal action may be taken against a user for their comments.” Full Story »

Limp

Florida used to be shaped like an erect penis pointing towards Morocco until all the old people moved down and made it hang limp. Cape Dementia and The Villages hold the largest concentration in the world of retired dying waste known as Baby Boomers.

Republicans in 2018

Republicans are brainwashed. They don’t know how to decipher between facts and lies. Republicans are willfully ignorant and intellectually lazy. Even when they are told the truth, they don’t care and refuse to look it up. If any of them had half a brain, they would know that Trump is a Populist Authoritarian. And just like the Populist Authoritarians that were democratically elected in Germany (1930’s), Russia, Venezuela, Turkey, and recently Hungary, Trump will destroy this democracy too.

Republicans have never been taught how you decipher the information they receive is fact or lies. They were never taught credibility testing methods. Fox and the GOP have used this to brainwash them for a couple decades now. They are too far gone to reach. They are incapable of correctly answering the following:

  1. Explain to me your specific methods as to how you decipher the information you receive is fact or lies.
  2. How many times has Trump been found guilty of breaking federal laws in federal courts? And how many times has Obama been found guilty of breaking federal laws in federal court?

Source: comments in article.

God Bless Florida Man

God bless Florida Man, for his crimes that hurt no one. He is truly free, something that upsets and frightens those who wish to control the masses.

While Catholic priests boink little boys in the butt and church leaders use tithe money to hide the truth, Florida Man simply strips his clothes off like supralapsarian Adam, innocently nude and meandering through the streets, devoid of perversion, yet judged as a pervert.

While politicians take bribes to perpetuate the “school to prison pipeline,” Florida Man, who dropped out of school at a young age, drunkenly drawls out real-world knowledge and tells us to never trust the government.

While pharmaceutical industries peddle poison through “pain clinics” and knowingly supply the black market of opiates, Florida Man takes MDMA and goes to Lake Eola to “be with the swans because they don’t judge him.”

While the U.S. becomes the laughing stock of the world, Americans point their fingers at our peninsula and ridicule our ways of life.

The same way you judge others, you will be judged. Just remember that.

Love one another and let Florida shine.

Political Promises

Hi, I’m almost every political candidate, and I promise to:

✅ Pander to my base with rhetorical phrases and uplifting but empty promises.
✅ Make you fight to keep your constitutional rights.
✅ Blame the other side.
✅ Find what pisses you off and run ads about how I’m going to change those things.
✅ Piggyback off every current “social issue” that Mainstream Media talks about, while ignoring what people really want and need.
✅ Talk about fixing things, but never provide any detailed plans of how I’m going to do that.
✅ Accept legal bribes in the form of “campaign contributions.”
✅ Write policies that hurt my constituents while convincing them of the opposite.
✅ Spend millions on propaganda and trash-talking ads instead of investing that money into our society.
✅ Pay for shill accounts on Facebook to sway public opinion and bury the truth.
✅ Create make-believe problems and promise to fix those non-existent issues.
✅ Make being a Floridian legal again.

Newton’s Florida Laws

Newton’s First Law of Florida:

Every peninsula in a state of uniform fuckery tends to remain in that state of fuckery unless a logical force is applied to it.

Newton’s Second Law of Florida:

The relationship between a person’s stupidity s, their bravery b, and their overall Floridaness F is F = sb. As stupidity and bravery increase, so does their overall Floridaness.

Newton’s Third Law of Florida:

For every Florida Man or Florida Woman there is an equal and opposite Floridian.

Dog Days of Summer

WEATHER FORECAST: Still the Dog Days of Summer, just stay the fuck inside. Or go to the beach, or lounge in a swimming pool. I’m not even a meteorologist. You already know it’s going to be hot and sunny, and it’s going to pour for a few minutes in the afternoon. Weather reports are useless. This is no longer a weather report. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Everybody be nice to each other, even though it’s hot out and we’re all kinda crazy.

Political Propaganda

We officially endorse that one dude who’s always chillaxing outside of liquor stores telling funny stories. We also endorse Florida Woman, who doesn’t take any shit from anyone.

Political propaganda will be in full swing again very soon. Corrupt politicians will go on TV and ironically tell you that “many politicians are corrupt,” to make it look like they’re on your side. They’re not on your side. They will research what pisses people off most, run ads about those things, and use their media power to polarize us even further. Keep your emotions in check, love one another, and don’t believe the Straw Man arguments. They will manipulate your emotions and make lofty promises. Don’t fall for it. There are of course good ones and bad ones, in between, and ever changing. We will try our best to only report insane, funny stories, but it’s our mission at WTF Florida to expose fuckery in Florida… that fuckery may include polytricks. We will try to offend equally, to hopefully unite us all. Stop thinking in terms of which “side” is going to “win,” because that’s how the corporations that run the show want us to be. That kind of thinking renders us inept and contemptuous, and worst of all, it distracts us from the truth.

Birth Control and the Catholic Church

WTFF News would like to thank the Catholic church for their hard-line stance against birth control. Pulling out is just fine, but using “the pill” is an abomination. Obviously the “pull out method” is rather ineffective and leads to pregnancy. Because of all the unplanned pregnancies, many of the oops babies who miraculously survived into adulthood became Florida Mans and Florida Womans. We encourage reckless breeding, as it fuels the economy of fuckery, which in turn produces better headlines. Thank you for all your efforts.

Marijuana Laws

The Nixon administration created the war on drugs to “criminalize” peaceful black people and hippies. It was never about keeping people safe. We need to free all the prisoners who are suffering from the cruel remnants of these unconstitutional and unscientific marijuana laws.

Secede July 16, 2018

We, the people of the State of Florida in Convention assembled, do solemnly ordain, publish and declare: That the State of Florida hereby withdraws herself from the country existing under the name of the United States of America, and from the existing Government of said country.

July 16, 2018

International Florida

Don’t act like like South Florida “ain’t really Florida” because it’s not crawling with white people who are terrified of spicy food. The Calusa Indians were riding canoes down to Cuba and The Bahamas for trade purposes in the 1500s. Florida’s always been international.

Exciting News

Be wary of news that excites you too much. Facts are often boring. The exception is, of course, news about the mishaps of Florida Man and Florida Woman. Within their perversions there is purity. They live within the moment and are often victims of their own spontaneousness. Deep down inside, they are good people who are deeply affected by the fascinating state of Florida.