Man at the pump

One of the victims of Florida approached me at a gas pump. “Hey bro, do you have a couple bucks,” he asked, eyes glazed, postured staggered, Florida Man activated… “I’d rather buy you food from inside, whaddya want?” He sunk his head down and shuffled his feet. Looking back up he said sincerely, “Man, I’m just trying to get a blunt.” I gave that man five dollars. Thank you Honest Florida Man. Proverbs 31:6 tells us to “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.” I just did my little part in the circle of existence. The real WTF in Florida (and everywhere) is how the selfish few perpetuate misery, poverty, and addiction for profit. They do this far away from the ghettos, safely inside their alarmed homes. Before you judge Florida Man as he clambers through the streets, you should know that shit trickles downhill. The true fuckery stems from the top of the financial food chain. Use your mind to judge with wisdom and knowledge, not emotion or impulsiveness.

How Florida Man Stays Eternal

trampite-logic-sex

Florida Man is suspended in time as a constant in the zaniest headlines. His death and rebirth are continuous and propelled by the same energy that he’s infamous for. As long as the contiguous U.S. has this peninsula in their southeast corner, Florida Man will exist, and WTFF News will be here to report his unravelings.

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Ringtones and The Villages

You haven’t seen true pandemonium until you’ve witnessed the mad fumbling of pocket and purse searching in The Villages when a default ring tone goes off.

Suddenly, accompanying the alarm, an orchestra of candy wrappers and groans create a soundtrack to the story of each person desiring to answer their phone.

Even the ones who had their grandkids update their ringtones leap out of their geriatric slumber to answer the incoming call… It could be important.

Perhaps it’s the IRS calling to verify their social security number. Maybe it’s a shipping update on that Viagra order.

The rumpus is further exaggerated as wives plead with their weary husbands to hurry up, disparaging their every effort with wrinkly contempt.

Everyone over 60 fumbles through their belongings.

Peppermint candies and Werther’s Originals scatter across the floor. Lightly crumbled tissues float away. Hands get stuck in pockets. Walkers and canes tumble. Hips are broken. Emergency rooms are inundated. Such is life in the world’s largest retirement community.

Hell

Greetings everyone, website admin here. Last night I was swimming in a lake and an alligator bit me. Well, “bite” is an understatement. He ripped me in half and both sides of my severed body thrashed around with bloody palpitations. Every time a neuron fired from my brain to my lower extremities, it resulted in a misfire and created extremely painful convulsions as my life slowly exited my body. Then I started drowning (my top half rather). It was all very exciting and curious, and I wish someone had it on video. Full Story »

Toucan

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Zimmerman

The fact that Zimmerman is still out and about is a a theatrical and disturbing example of how racism plagues this state. To counter that, we have Miami, a shining beacon of hope that spreads international culture throughout the veins of the dirty south. To be fair though, most of the Florida natives and locals are kind people that love everybody regardless of race. Florida is the not the south, it’s a hybrid of many things. Most of the people are good here. It’s usually the fucked up people from more traditional “southern” states that bring their racism. People up north generally don’t put up with that shit… we call people out and make fun of them for being a racist. They don’t do that in the south; they either ignore it, deny it, or encourage it generally. Florida has some of these people, of course, but the real Florida folk love everyone equally and we don’t judge too harshly.