Belligerently Stupid Drivers

Drivers in Florida are belligerently stupid. You have the jacked up pickup trucks with rebel flags, swerving between lanes, their shaved head drivers bright red and bouncing up and down out of anger. Then you have the old people that drive 20 below in the passing lane because they have to turn left in the next county. Then you have that old person’s grand kid who does the same thing because he’s high on Oxycontin and doesn’t know the difference between passing lanes and traveling lanes. It’s enough to make you fucking crazy.

Volusia County Sheriff Mike Chitwood

If every Sheriff thought like him, Florida would be a much safer and more peaceful place. Amazing Florida Man headlines would decrease, but it’d be worth it. Cop hate would decrease, because there would be more accountability and trust. Crime would decrease because we could focus on important stuff and not waste effort. Plus we could call scumbags “scumbags” and lying politicians “lying sacks of shit” without worrying about being politically correct, as long as that rough language is being used to break down negativity and inequality.

Not everything is as it seems

Not everything is as it seems. Live here long enough and you’ll understand. “Pain Clinics” just sell drugs to opiate addicts with no legal repercussions. “Crisis Pregnancy Centers” are full of pastors masquerading as doctors. “Internet Cafes” are underground casinos where old people go to gamble their social security money away. “Massage Parlors” with blacked out windows are just places for busy men to get hand jobs. “Full Sail” is a daycare for young adults with rich parents. “Publix” is more than a grocery store, it’s a lifestyle. “Wildlife” isn’t nearly as wild as Florida Man and Florida Woman. These are just some of the epiphanies you will have as you become a Floridian.


America is the Florida of the world; outsiders like to point their fingers and laugh at us, but yet they still flock here in masses to vacation and live.


If Jesus came back to Florida some idiot wearing a cross would probably shoot him because “he looked foreign.”

Some idiot like one of these stupid redneck assholes who decided to “Stand Their Ground” against a black man who showed up in a predominately white neighborhood.

The most fucked up thing about Florida is not our crazy criminals, freakish weather, or delusional drug addicts… it’s the fact that people put their selfish fears and desires far above their concern for others. Florida, you have a fucked up culture on the whole. You’re full of fathers who support and encourage police brutality. You’re full of mothers who leave their kids with weirdos to go get high. You’re full of people who believe one race is superior to another. You’re full of people who rape and murder and lie and assault women and claim atheists are the ones who are going to hell. You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves. Greed, hatred, and delusion grip tightly on many of you.

But let us not fall into that same poison of thought. Day to day we see the ones who are not like this. Florida’s incredibly diverse and full of good people, but the ones who express ugliness are usually the loudest, so we tend to get drawn into their webs of negativity. We’re not all that fucked up. They don’t account for all of us.

Thank you to everyone who still maintains some humanity.

Please continue to encourage goodness and compassion. Be a beacon of kindness and don’t let the hatred from other corrupt you.

Man at the pump

One of the victims of Florida approached me at a gas pump. “Hey bro, do you have a couple bucks,” he asked, eyes glazed, postured staggered, Florida Man activated… “I’d rather buy you food from inside, whaddya want?” He sunk his head down and shuffled his feet. Looking back up he said sincerely, “Man, I’m just trying to get a blunt.” I gave that man five dollars. Thank you Honest Florida Man. Proverbs 31:6 tells us to “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.” I just did my little part in the circle of existence. The real WTF in Florida (and everywhere) is how the selfish few perpetuate misery, poverty, and addiction for profit. They do this far away from the ghettos, safely inside their alarmed homes. Before you judge Florida Man as he clambers through the streets, you should know that shit trickles downhill. The true fuckery stems from the top of the financial food chain. Use your mind to judge with wisdom and knowledge, not emotion or impulsiveness.