Political Promises

Hi, I’m almost every political candidate, and I promise to: ✅ Pander to my base with rhetorical phrases and uplifting but empty promises. ✅ Make you fight to keep your constitutional rights. ✅ Blame the other side. ✅ Find what pisses you off and run ads about how I’m going to change those things. ✅ […] »

Newton’s Florida Laws

Newton’s First Law of Florida: Every peninsula in a state of uniform fuckery tends to remain in that state of fuckery unless a logical force is applied to it. Newton’s Second Law of Florida: The relationship between a person’s stupidity s, their bravery b, and their overall Floridaness F is F = sb. As stupidity […] »

Dog Days of Summer

WEATHER FORECAST: Still the Dog Days of Summer, just stay the fuck inside. Or go to the beach, or lounge in a swimming pool. I’m not even a meteorologist. You already know it’s going to be hot and sunny, and it’s going to pour for a few minutes in the afternoon. Weather reports are useless. […] »

Political Propaganda

We officially endorse that one dude who’s always chillaxing outside of liquor stores telling funny stories. We also endorse Florida Woman, who doesn’t take any shit from anyone. Political propaganda will be in full swing again very soon. Corrupt politicians will go on TV and ironically tell you that “many politicians are corrupt,” to make […] »

Birth Control and the Catholic Church

WTFF News would like to thank the Catholic church for their hard-line stance against birth control. Pulling out is just fine, but using “the pill” is an abomination. Obviously the “pull out method” is rather ineffective and leads to pregnancy. Because of all the unplanned pregnancies, many of the oops babies who miraculously survived into […] »

Marijuana Laws

The Nixon administration created the war on drugs to “criminalize” peaceful black people and hippies. It was never about keeping people safe. We need to free all the prisoners who are suffering from the cruel remnants of these unconstitutional and unscientific marijuana laws. »

Secede July 16, 2018

We, the people of the State of Florida in Convention assembled, do solemnly ordain, publish and declare: That the State of Florida hereby withdraws herself from the country existing under the name of the United States of America, and from the existing Government of said country. July 16, 2018 »

International Florida

Don’t act like like South Florida “ain’t really Florida” because it’s not crawling with white people who are terrified of spicy food. The Calusa Indians were riding canoes down to Cuba and The Bahamas for trade purposes in the 1500s. Florida’s always been international. »

Exciting News

Be wary of news that excites you too much. Facts are often boring. The exception is, of course, news about the mishaps of Florida Man and Florida Woman. Within their perversions there is purity. They live within the moment and are often victims of their own spontaneousness. Deep down inside, they are good people who […] »

Wild

Florida’s always been wild. The name “Sim-in-oli” was given to those who left Oconee around 1750. It means “wild.” Members of the Creek Confederacy who traveled south to what is now Florida were probably proud of their honorific, as are Floridians. »

Political Ads

My opponent is a fucking piece of shit. Fuck them. Vote for me. I’ll make everything better for you. This message has been approved by [your favorite politician] and targeted directly to you, based on your browsing habits, what you said to your lover the other night, and what kind of person you are (based […] »

Deplorable Culture

Because crude, idiotic, insulting language and behavior is the norm now, we’re semi-officially and temporarily changing our name from “What The Fuck, Florida” to “Wow, That’s Fascinating, Florida.” You can still call it whatever you want, or just use the acronym WTFF. Or make up your own acronym, like “Wild, Thoughtful, Fascinating Floridians.” It’s our […] »

Reality and The News

Everything that enters your mind through your sensory inputs is bullshit. Reality and interpretation of reality are never the same thing. Media predominantly confuses and exploits the basic fact that our perception is limited and prone to emotional bias. News is just click-bait, except for the rare article that’s written to enlighten, encourage, and educate, […] »

Cannabis Laws

The laws regarding cannabis are completely archaic and absurd. They were founded in ignorance, fear, greed, and hatred, rather than research, understanding, fairness, and respect. That being said, it’s not the fault of the police that the herb is illegal. Don’t hate them for it. They’re just doing their job, and over half of them […] »

Politics versus Ethics

As a result of sifting through countless arrest affidavits and living in Florida, we are very familiar with suffering, which is a result of greed, hatred, and delusion. Occasionally our page will support movements in Florida that aim to lessen the amount of suffering in our world. Some people accuse us of being “political.” We […] »

Belligerently Stupid Drivers

Drivers in Florida are belligerently stupid. You have the jacked up pickup trucks with rebel flags, swerving between lanes, their shaved head drivers bright red and bouncing up and down out of anger. Then you have the old people that drive 20 below in the passing lane because they have to turn left in the […] »

Volusia County Sheriff Mike Chitwood

If every Sheriff thought like him, Florida would be a much safer and more peaceful place. Amazing Florida Man headlines would decrease, but it’d be worth it. Cop hate would decrease, because there would be more accountability and trust. Crime would decrease because we could focus on important stuff and not waste effort. Plus we […] »

Not everything is as it seems

Not everything is as it seems. Live here long enough and you’ll understand. “Pain Clinics” just sell drugs to opiate addicts with no legal repercussions. “Crisis Pregnancy Centers” are full of pastors masquerading as doctors. “Internet Cafes” are underground casinos where old people go to gamble their social security money away. “Massage Parlors” with blacked […] »

Outsiders

America is the Florida of the world; outsiders like to point their fingers and laugh at us, but yet they still flock here in masses to vacation and live. »

Jesus

If Jesus came back to Florida some idiot wearing a cross would probably shoot him because “he looked foreign.” Some idiot like one of these stupid redneck assholes who decided to “Stand Their Ground” against a black man who showed up in a predominately white neighborhood. They fired a “warning shot” at the terrified Uber driver […] »

Man at the pump

One of the victims of Florida approached me at a gas pump. “Hey bro, do you have a couple bucks,” he asked, eyes glazed, postured staggered, Florida Man activated… “I’d rather buy you food from inside, whaddya want?” He sunk his head down and shuffled his feet. Looking back up he said sincerely, “Man, I’m […] »