Limp

Florida used to be shaped like an erect penis pointing towards Morocco until all the old people moved down and made it hang limp. Cape Dementia and The Villages hold the largest concentration in the world of retired dying waste known as Baby Boomers. »

Republicans in 2018

Republicans are brainwashed. They don’t know how to decipher between facts and lies. Republicans are willfully ignorant and intellectually lazy. Even when they are told the truth, they don’t care and refuse to look it up. If any of them had half a brain, they would know that Trump is a Populist Authoritarian. And just […] »

God Bless Florida Man

God bless Florida Man, for his crimes that hurt no one. He is truly free, something that upsets and frightens those who wish to control the masses. While Catholic priests boink little boys in the butt and church leaders use tithe money to hide the truth, Florida Man simply strips his clothes off like supralapsarian […] »

Political Promises

Hi, I’m almost every political candidate, and I promise to: ✅ Pander to my base with rhetorical phrases and uplifting but empty promises. ✅ Make you fight to keep your constitutional rights. ✅ Blame the other side. ✅ Find what pisses you off and run ads about how I’m going to change those things. ✅ […] »

Newton’s Florida Laws

Newton’s First Law of Florida: Every peninsula in a state of uniform fuckery tends to remain in that state of fuckery unless a logical force is applied to it. Newton’s Second Law of Florida: The relationship between a person’s stupidity s, their bravery b, and their overall Floridaness F is F = sb. As stupidity […] »

Dog Days of Summer

WEATHER FORECAST: Still the Dog Days of Summer, just stay the fuck inside. Or go to the beach, or lounge in a swimming pool. I’m not even a meteorologist. You already know it’s going to be hot and sunny, and it’s going to pour for a few minutes in the afternoon. Weather reports are useless. […] »

Political Propaganda

We officially endorse that one dude who’s always chillaxing outside of liquor stores telling funny stories. We also endorse Florida Woman, who doesn’t take any shit from anyone. Political propaganda will be in full swing again very soon. Corrupt politicians will go on TV and ironically tell you that “many politicians are corrupt,” to make […] »

Birth Control and the Catholic Church

WTFF News would like to thank the Catholic church for their hard-line stance against birth control. Pulling out is just fine, but using “the pill” is an abomination. Obviously the “pull out method” is rather ineffective and leads to pregnancy. Because of all the unplanned pregnancies, many of the oops babies who miraculously survived into […] »

Marijuana Laws

The Nixon administration created the war on drugs to “criminalize” peaceful black people and hippies. It was never about keeping people safe. We need to free all the prisoners who are suffering from the cruel remnants of these unconstitutional and unscientific marijuana laws. »

Secede July 16, 2018

We, the people of the State of Florida in Convention assembled, do solemnly ordain, publish and declare: That the State of Florida hereby withdraws herself from the country existing under the name of the United States of America, and from the existing Government of said country. July 16, 2018 »

International Florida

Don’t act like like South Florida “ain’t really Florida” because it’s not crawling with white people who are terrified of spicy food. The Calusa Indians were riding canoes down to Cuba and The Bahamas for trade purposes in the 1500s. Florida’s always been international. »

Exciting News

Be wary of news that excites you too much. Facts are often boring. The exception is, of course, news about the mishaps of Florida Man and Florida Woman. Within their perversions there is purity. They live within the moment and are often victims of their own spontaneousness. Deep down inside, they are good people who […] »

Wild

Florida’s always been wild. The name “Sim-in-oli” was given to those who left Oconee around 1750. It means “wild.” Members of the Creek Confederacy who traveled south to what is now Florida were probably proud of their honorific, as are Floridians. »

Political Ads

My opponent is a fucking piece of shit. Fuck them. Vote for me. I’ll make everything better for you. This message has been approved by [your favorite politician] and targeted directly to you, based on your browsing habits, what you said to your lover the other night, and what kind of person you are (based […] »

Deplorable Culture

Because crude, idiotic, insulting language and behavior is the norm now, we’re semi-officially and temporarily changing our name from “What The Fuck, Florida” to “Wow, That’s Fascinating, Florida.” You can still call it whatever you want, or just use the acronym WTFF. Or make up your own acronym, like “Wild, Thoughtful, Fascinating Floridians.” It’s our […] »

Reality and The News

Everything that enters your mind through your sensory inputs is bullshit. Reality and interpretation of reality are never the same thing. Media predominantly confuses and exploits the basic fact that our perception is limited and prone to emotional bias. News is just click-bait, except for the rare article that’s written to enlighten, encourage, and educate, […] »

Cannabis Laws

The laws regarding cannabis are completely archaic and absurd. They were founded in ignorance, fear, greed, and hatred, rather than research, understanding, fairness, and respect. That being said, it’s not the fault of the police that the herb is illegal. Don’t hate them for it. They’re just doing their job, and over half of them […] »

Politics versus Ethics

As a result of sifting through countless arrest affidavits and living in Florida, we are very familiar with suffering, which is a result of greed, hatred, and delusion. Occasionally our page will support movements in Florida that aim to lessen the amount of suffering in our world. Some people accuse us of being “political.” We […] »