WEATHER FORECAST: Still the Dog Days of Summer, just stay the fuck inside. Or go to the beach, or lounge in a swimming pool. I’m not even a meteorologist. You already know it’s going to be hot and sunny, and it’s going to pour for a few minutes in the afternoon. Weather reports are useless. This is no longer a weather report. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Everybody be nice to each other, even though it’s hot out and we’re all kinda crazy.
We officially endorse that one dude who’s always chillaxing outside of liquor stores telling funny stories. We also endorse Florida Woman, who doesn’t take any shit from anyone.
Political propaganda will be in full swing again very soon. Corrupt politicians will go on TV and ironically tell you that “many politicians are corrupt,” to make it look like they’re on your side. They’re not on your side. They will research what pisses people off most, run ads about those things, and use their media power to polarize us even further. Keep your emotions in check, love one another, and don’t believe the Straw Man arguments. They will manipulate your emotions and make lofty promises. Don’t fall for it. There are of course good ones and bad ones, in between, and ever changing. We will try our best to only report insane, funny stories, but it’s our mission at WTF Florida to expose fuckery in Florida… that fuckery may include polytricks. We will try to offend equally, to hopefully unite us all. Stop thinking in terms of which “side” is going to “win,” because that’s how the corporations that run the show want us to be. That kind of thinking renders us inept and contemptuous, and worst of all, it distracts us from the truth.
WTFF News would like to thank the Catholic church for their hard-line stance against birth control. Pulling out is just fine, but using “the pill” is an abomination. Obviously the “pull out method” is rather ineffective and leads to pregnancy. Because of all the unplanned pregnancies, many of the oops babies who miraculously survived into adulthood became Florida Mans and Florida Womans. We encourage reckless breeding, as it fuels the economy of fuckery, which in turn produces better headlines. Thank you for all your efforts.
Be wary of news that excites you too much. Facts are often boring. The exception is, of course, news about the mishaps of Florida Man and Florida Woman. Within their perversions there is purity. They live within the moment and are often victims of their own spontaneousness. Deep down inside, they are good people who are deeply affected by the fascinating state of Florida.
My opponent is a fucking piece of shit. Fuck them. Vote for me. I’ll make everything better for you. This message has been approved by [your favorite politician] and targeted directly to you, based on your browsing habits, what you said to your lover the other night, and what kind of person you are (based on millions of matrices of data collected about you without your knowledge). We know all your trigger points. We know your dreams. Do you?
The United States is the Florida of the world. Full Story »
Because crude, idiotic, insulting language and behavior is the norm now, we’re semi-officially and temporarily changing our name from “What The Fuck, Florida” to “Wow, That’s Fascinating, Florida.” You can still call it whatever you want, or just use the acronym WTFF. Or make up your own acronym, like “Wild, Thoughtful, Fascinating Floridians.” It’s our state. We can do what we want. Full Story »
We officially endorse that one dude who’s always chillaxing outside of liquor stores telling funny stories. We also endorse Florida Woman, who doesn’t take any shit from anyone. Full Story »
Everything that enters your mind through your sensory inputs is bullshit. Reality and interpretation of reality are never the same thing. Media predominantly confuses and exploits the basic fact that our perception is limited and prone to emotional bias. News is just click-bait, except for the rare article that’s written to enlighten, encourage, and educate, rather than disturb, shock, and confuse. We’re guilty of it too, but we just do it for shits and giggles, and because Florida deserves a WTFF News (for good and bad reasons). This has been a public service announcement.
ATTENTION TOURISTS: If you see a Floridian pointing outside of their vehicle and giving you puppy dog eyes, they’re most likely asking if they can move their vehicle in front of yours. Yes, it would make more sense to use a turn signal, and that is the law, but this is Florida. Just go with the flow. Let them in. This is a public service announcement brought to you by WTFF News: Florida’s best worst news site.
The laws regarding cannabis are completely archaic and absurd. They were founded in ignorance, fear, greed, and hatred, rather than research, understanding, fairness, and respect. That being said, it’s not the fault of the police that the herb is illegal. Don’t hate them for it. They’re just doing their job, and over half of them probably agree with our sentiment (but won’t outwardly say it). Don’t fucking drive around with expired tags while smoking loud. Don’t hang out in parking lots rolling blunts in broad daylight. Don’t be obvious. Don’t be stupid. It breaks our Floridian hearts to see how often people get arrested for a tiny bit of marijuana… cars impounded, work interfered with, families disturbed, debt arising… it’s tragic and senseless. One day we will fix our laws regarding cannabis. Until then, just don’t be so fucking obvious with it, OK? This is a public service announcement brought to you by WTFF News. Full Story »
Dear Floridian ladies,
If you’re dating a Florida Man, you should know that your life will be difficult. That is your choice. Don’t let your poor choices affect other Floridians. Full Story »
As a result of sifting through countless arrest affidavits and living in Florida, we are very familiar with suffering, which is a result of greed, hatred, and delusion. Occasionally our page will support movements in Florida that aim to lessen the amount of suffering in our world. Some people accuse us of being “political.” We don’t take sides. The whole left and right divide is at best a distraction. Federal indictments show that outside influences spent millions to further the divide, as they continue to do with “trolling.” Don’t take the bait.
If you have replaced your humanity with political loyalty, then you may not like what we post here. Kindly leave us in peace. For the rest of you who actually care about Floridians (and non-Floridians), we welcome you here. This is a place for everyone. From rednecks to thugs to conservatives to liberals to gun nuts to hippies, we all are one. All the labels blend together to form humans, and many of us fall into several if not all of those categories. Florida’s a very diverse place, and that’s what makes it so amazing. Don’t let polytricks distract and divide us.
The Florida Man Facebook page wrote an excellent note about politics versus ethics, which we are quoting below:
Ethics versus politics
Because I’m seeing some confusion:
Disagreeing about the most effective way to provide food for hungry kids is “politics.”
Disagreeing about whether or not hungry kids should be fed at all is “ethics.”
Disagreeing about the most effective, safe, and humane ways to provide aid and shelter to refugees is politics.
Disagreeing about whether or not we should help people fleeing violence and oppression at all is ethics.
Disagreeing about what’s the most effective and efficient way of providing healthcare to everyone who needs it is politics.
Disagreeing about whether or not we should let poor people suffer and die because they lack the ability to pay for healthcare is ethics.
I could go on (and feel free to share your own examples).
I’m not getting too invested in a “political discussion,” or unfairly discriminating against you because of your “political beliefs.”
I’m reacting with the appropriate level of horror, anger, and sadness one feels when encountering a person whose ethics are so warped and rapacious that any decent human being would be disgusted, and even genuinely frightened.
I’m not taking politics “too personally.” You’re not taking the the massive violations of basic human rights, and the suffering of real thinking, feeling people, personally *enough*.
My name is Tallahassee
a’on know about y’all,
but I’m real damn proud
Of my cock and my balls.
The capital of Florida,
got some Antebellum babies
that became unchained.
Most of us are meth heads,
hidin’ in the woods,
all the dang northeasterners
ruined our moods…
All state laws
pass through my city,
Ah like ’em even more
if you think they’re shitty.
Remember that most news agencies are only committed to shoving sensationalized garbage down your senses to appease their profit-hungry overlords. We should take solace in the words of Tupac as our human species explores the vast new landscape of meme warfare, “fake news,” and data-driven advertising catered specifically to your brain from your stolen data: “Recollect your thoughts don’t get caught up in the mix; Cause the media is full of dirty tricks.” Here at WTFF News we are committed to being Florida’s best worst news station. We are still biased, and will do everything in our editorial power to make Florida Man and Florida Woman look ridiculous (they do most of the heavy lifting for us). If we go too far off track, please reel us back in. Many Floridians are somewhat immune to the manipulation of their senses, letting sunshine and a care-free lifestyle act as their armor against the pummeling waves of disinformation. Let’s continue that trend as we navigate these uncharted modern territories with kindness, patience, and respect.
Drivers in Florida are belligerently stupid. You have the jacked up pickup trucks with rebel flags, swerving between lanes, their shaved head drivers bright red and bouncing up and down out of anger. Then you have the old people that drive 20 below in the passing lane because they have to turn left in the next county. Then you have that old person’s grand kid who does the same thing because he’s high on Oxycontin and doesn’t know the difference between passing lanes and traveling lanes. It’s enough to make you fucking crazy.
Apparently this is what people here believe. Full Story »
If every Sheriff thought like him, Florida would be a much safer and more peaceful place. Amazing Florida Man headlines would decrease, but it’d be worth it. Cop hate would decrease, because there would be more accountability and trust. Crime would decrease because we could focus on important stuff and not waste effort. Plus we could call scumbags “scumbags” and lying politicians “lying sacks of shit” without worrying about being politically correct, as long as that rough language is being used to break down negativity and inequality. Full Story »
Not everything is as it seems. Live here long enough and you’ll understand. “Pain Clinics” just sell drugs to opiate addicts with no legal repercussions. “Crisis Pregnancy Centers” are full of pastors masquerading as doctors. “Internet Cafes” are underground casinos where old people go to gamble their social security money away. “Massage Parlors” with blacked out windows are just places for busy men to get hand jobs. “Full Sail” is a daycare for young adults with rich parents. “Publix” is more than a grocery store, it’s a lifestyle. “Wildlife” isn’t nearly as wild as Florida Man and Florida Woman. These are just some of the epiphanies you will have as you become a Floridian.
If Jesus came back to Florida some idiot wearing a cross would probably shoot him because “he looked foreign.”
Some idiot like one of these stupid redneck assholes who decided to “Stand Their Ground” against a black man who showed up in a predominately white neighborhood. They fired a “warning shot” at the terrified Uber driver after forcing him to his knees. Luckily, the Haitian dude survived.Imagine if Jesus came back to earth and went to Florida first … we really need the help.
The most fucked up thing about Florida is not our crazy criminals, freakish weather, or delusional drug addicts… it’s the fact that people put their selfish fears and desires far above their concern for others. Florida, you have a fucked up culture on the whole. You’re full of fathers who support and encourage police brutality. You’re full of mothers who leave their kids with weirdos to go get high. You’re full of people who believe one race is superior to another. You’re full of people who rape and murder and lie and assault women and go to church and claim atheists are the ones who are going to hell. You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves. Greed, hatred, and delusion grip tightly on many of us.
It’s good for fucked up Florida news, but bad for our souls.
But let us not fall into that same poison of thought. Day to day we see the ones who are not like this. Florida’s incredibly diverse and full of good people, but the ones who express ugliness are usually the loudest, so we tend to get drawn into their webs of negativity. We’re not all that fucked up. They don’t account for all of us.
We have a lot of cool rednecks too, so don’t let the language get in our way. Anybody can be a stupid asshole, no matter what they look like or where they come from.
Thank you to everyone who still maintains some humanity.
Please continue to encourage goodness and compassion. Be a beacon of kindness and don’t let the hatred from others corrupt you.
“Peace, Be Still.” -Mark 4:39
It’s funny how people are offended when something directly affects them or someone they care about, but simply laugh when that same thing happens over and over again to others. Full Story »
One of the victims of Florida approached me at a gas pump. “Hey bro, do you have a couple bucks,” he asked, eyes glazed, postured staggered, Florida Man activated… “I’d rather buy you food from inside, whaddya want?” He sunk his head down and shuffled his feet. Looking back up he said sincerely, “Man, I’m just trying to get a blunt.” I gave that man five dollars. Thank you Honest Florida Man. Proverbs 31:6 tells us to “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.” I just did my little part in the circle of existence. The real WTF in Florida (and everywhere) is how the selfish few perpetuate misery, poverty, and addiction for profit. They do this far away from the ghettos, safely inside their alarmed homes. Before you judge Florida Man as he clambers through the streets, you should know that shit trickles downhill. The true fuckery stems from the top of the financial food chain. Use your mind to judge with wisdom and knowledge, not emotion or impulsiveness.
You haven’t seen true pandemonium until you’ve witnessed the mad fumbling of pocket and purse searching in The Villages when a default ring tone goes off.
Suddenly, accompanying the alarm, an orchestra of candy wrappers and groans create a soundtrack to the story of each person desiring to answer their phone.
Even the ones who had their grandkids update their ringtones leap out of their geriatric slumber to answer the incoming call… It could be important.
Perhaps it’s the IRS calling to verify their social security number. Maybe it’s a shipping update on that Viagra order.
The rumpus is further exaggerated as wives plead with their weary husbands to hurry up, disparaging their every effort with wrinkly contempt.
Everyone over 60 fumbles through their belongings.
Peppermint candies and Werther’s Originals scatter across the floor. Lightly crumbled tissues float away. Hands get stuck in pockets. Walkers and canes tumble. Hips are broken. Emergency rooms are inundated. Such is life in the world’s largest retirement community.
Here’s a few our favorites at WTFF News. These songs are designed to eliminate your stress, get you moving, and take your mind off the land-approaching cyclone. Quit worrying (especially you non-Natives), just get up and dance. Enjoy! Full Story »
Greetings everyone, website admin here. Last night I was swimming in a lake and an alligator bit me. Well, “bite” is an understatement. He ripped me in half and both sides of my severed body thrashed around with bloody palpitations. Every time a neuron fired from my brain to my lower extremities, it resulted in a misfire and created extremely painful convulsions as my life slowly exited my body. Then I started drowning (my top half rather). It was all very exciting and curious, and I wish someone had it on video. Full Story »