State of Florida

Written by Randy W.

State Of Florida:

Miles and miles of strip malls with divorce lawyers, tattoos, pawn shops,etc., Wal-Marts every mile, trailer courts, trailer parks, trailer trash, malls, strip malls, mini-malls, cops, artery-clogging steak houses, McDonald’s/Wendy’s/Burger Kings every 3 blocks, constant hot/humid weather, dixie this, dixie that, little lizards climbing the trees, “neighbors” who will call the cops on you at the slightest provocation, Banks every 500yds when you don’t have any money, useless spanish moss, people from other countries working public service jobs who speak a different language than you, highway billboards (for readers) too numerous to describe obscuring highway signs, most of them offering funeral / cremation deals or promoting another “lemming trap” alcohol-related trend, seniors driving 30m.p.h. in a 55 zone, uneducated/scary-looking people with tattoos, sinkholes, sleazy strip-joints, guaranteed minimum wage jobs, liquor stores every 2 blocks, “Jerry Springer” people everywhere, more cops, official state “zero tolerance” signs with a little illustration of handcuffs to rub-the-point-in (bastards), traffic lights synchronized so cops can ticket you easier, speed bumps designed to damage car suspension systems, gated communities loaded with better-than-thou people, FAT cops with mean grins, white trash from god-knows-where that just got out of prison last month usually playing their stereo loud at night so you can’t sleep, mosquitoes that fly SO fast you actually can’t swat them, snakes/alligators/fire ants/scorpions, alcohol/drug-addicted people driving, running, walking & crawling everywhere if they’re not unconscious.

An entire state without a library, museum, or cultural institution in sight for 100’s of miles but there’s always a Wal-Mart 300 yards away from you.

Terms of Use in a Nutshell

Basically, we ain’t responsible for shit, you ain’t responsible for shit, everyone can say whatever the fuck they want. Nobody can (successfully) sue us for libel, because our shit’s tight and we only report facts directly from arrest affidavits or other news sources. Nobody can sue use for making fun of them because of 17 U.S.C. § 107. We don’t have to be decent because of 47 U.S.C. § 230. No company can try to censor us because of Florida Statutes 768.295. Our readers can write any comment they want, even if it’s disturbing, because “the comments posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. No legal action may be taken against a user for their comments.” Full Story »

God Bless Florida Man

God bless Florida Man, for his crimes that hurt no one. He is truly free, something that upsets and frightens those who wish to control the masses.

While Catholic priests boink little boys in the butt and church leaders use tithe money to hide the truth, Florida Man simply strips his clothes off like supralapsarian Adam, innocently nude and meandering through the streets, devoid of perversion, yet judged as a pervert.

While politicians take bribes to perpetuate the “school to prison pipeline,” Florida Man, who dropped out of school at a young age, drunkenly drawls out real-world knowledge and tells us to never trust the government.

While pharmaceutical industries peddle poison through “pain clinics” and knowingly supply the black market of opiates, Florida Man takes MDMA and goes to Lake Eola to “be with the swans because they don’t judge him.”

While the U.S. becomes the laughing stock of the world, Americans point their fingers at our peninsula and ridicule our ways of life.

The same way you judge others, you will be judged. Just remember that.

Love one another and let Florida shine.

Why Can’t You Be Normal?

 

Like mother, like daughter. Like father, like son. Like country, like state.

Florida’s fucked up, but the United States is far more fucked up than our little peninsula.

 

Highest incarceration rate in the world.

Life expectancy lower than 42 other countries.

Trump supporters.

Florida.

There’s a lot of reasons for the rest of the world to laugh at us and accuse the U.S. of being crazy.

That being said, just like United States citizens constantly flock into Florida despite talking shit about us all the time, people from other countries just can’t resist coming to America.

The United States is the Florida of the world.

Newton’s Florida Laws

Newton’s First Law of Florida:

Every peninsula in a state of uniform fuckery tends to remain in that state of fuckery unless a logical force is applied to it.

Newton’s Second Law of Florida:

The relationship between a person’s stupidity s, their bravery b, and their overall Floridaness F is F = sb. As stupidity and bravery increase, so does their overall Floridaness.

Newton’s Third Law of Florida:

For every Florida Man or Florida Woman there is an equal and opposite Floridian.

Why are you still in Florida?

WTF Florida?

Take this quick poll, and put more reasons in the comments.

Why are you still in Florida? (select all that apply)

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The Florida Code

box-of-oranges-postcard

When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, “take I-75,” “take I-4” or “take I-95.”

When crossing the border into Florida forget all driving rules you ever knew.

Turn your blinky lights on when it’s raining.

If you’re a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. to 10 A.M. and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M. This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS. But you will drive anyway.

Freeways can only go north and south . . . Not east and west except Alligator Alley.

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