Investigating fuckery will fuck up your mind. Just laugh at the bullshit and try to be kind. »
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Category: Random Thoughts
Random Thoughts
Reality and The News
Everything that enters your mind through your sensory inputs is bullshit. Reality and interpretation of reality are never the same thing. Media predominantly confuses and exploits the basic fact that our perception is limited and prone to emotional bias. News is just click-bait, except for the rare article that’s written to enlighten, encourage, and educate, […] »
Pointing Versus Turn Signals
ATTENTION TOURISTS: If you see a Floridian pointing outside of their vehicle and giving you puppy dog eyes, they’re most likely asking if they can move their vehicle in front of yours. Yes, it would make more sense to use a turn signal, and that is the law, but this is Florida. Just go with […] »
Cannabis Laws
The laws regarding cannabis are completely archaic and absurd. They were founded in ignorance, fear, greed, and hatred, rather than research, understanding, fairness, and respect. That being said, it’s not the fault of the police that the herb is illegal. Don’t hate them for it. They’re just doing their job, and over half of them […] »
Blame
Florida Natives will always blame the Transplants, just as the Snowbirds inevitably blame the Floridians. Such is the nature of this state. »
Floridian Ladies Dating a Florida Man
Dear Floridian ladies, If you’re dating a Florida Man, you should know that your life will be difficult. That is your choice. Don’t let your poor choices affect other Floridians. »
Wild Florida Mans
Cops in Florida are like the FWC, only for wild Florida Mans. »
Politics versus Ethics
As a result of sifting through countless arrest affidavits and living in Florida, we are very familiar with suffering, which is a result of greed, hatred, and delusion. Occasionally our page will support movements in Florida that aim to lessen the amount of suffering in our world. Some people accuse us of being “political.” We […] »
Tallahassee, The Capital of Florida
My name is Tallahassee a’on know about y’all, but I’m real damn proud Of my cock and my balls. The capital of Florida, America’s wang, got some Antebellum babies that became unchained. Most of us are meth heads, hidin’ in the woods, all the dang northeasterners ruined our moods… All state laws pass through my […] »
Doing Acid or Ecstasy Requires a Sitter
FLORIDA PRO TIP: When dropping acid or doing ecstasy, have a responsible sitter watching you. Otherwise you might end up stranded on an island that a swan carried you to, or trying on random women’s clothing at a Yacht Club neighborhood one night. »
Floridians in the Modern Age of Advertising and Media
Remember that most news agencies are only committed to shoving sensationalized garbage down your senses to appease their profit-hungry overlords. We should take solace in the words of Tupac as our human species explores the vast new landscape of meme warfare, “fake news,” and data-driven advertising catered specifically to your brain from your stolen data: […] »
Belligerently Stupid Drivers
Drivers in Florida are belligerently stupid. You have the jacked up pickup trucks with rebel flags, swerving between lanes, their shaved head drivers bright red and bouncing up and down out of anger. Then you have the old people that drive 20 below in the passing lane because they have to turn left in the […] »
You don’t need to use turn signals as long as you change lanes reeaally sloooooowly
Apparently this is what people here believe. »
It’s easier to catch a felony than it is to escape Florida.
Volusia County Sheriff Mike Chitwood
If every Sheriff thought like him, Florida would be a much safer and more peaceful place. Amazing Florida Man headlines would decrease, but it’d be worth it. Cop hate would decrease, because there would be more accountability and trust. Crime would decrease because we could focus on important stuff and not waste effort. Plus we […] »
Not everything is as it seems
Not everything is as it seems. Live here long enough and you’ll understand. “Pain Clinics” just sell drugs to opiate addicts with no legal repercussions. “Crisis Pregnancy Centers” are full of pastors masquerading as doctors. “Internet Cafes” are underground casinos where old people go to gamble their social security money away. “Massage Parlors” with blacked […] »
Outsiders
America is the Florida of the world; outsiders like to point their fingers and laugh at us, but yet they still flock here in masses to vacation and live. »
Jesus
If Jesus came back to Florida some idiot wearing a cross would probably shoot him because “he looked foreign.” Some idiot like one of these stupid redneck assholes who decided to “Stand Their Ground” against a black man who showed up in a predominately white neighborhood. They fired a “warning shot” at the terrified Uber driver […] »
Offensive
It’s funny how people are offended when something directly affects them or someone they care about, but simply laugh when that same thing happens over and over again to others. »
Man at the pump
One of the victims of Florida approached me at a gas pump. “Hey bro, do you have a couple bucks,” he asked, eyes glazed, postured staggered, Florida Man activated… “I’d rather buy you food from inside, whaddya want?” He sunk his head down and shuffled his feet. Looking back up he said sincerely, “Man, I’m […] »
WTFF News
The WorldStar of Florida. »
Ringtones and The Villages
You haven’t seen true pandemonium until you’ve witnessed the mad fumbling of pocket and purse searching in The Villages when a default ring tone goes off. Suddenly, accompanying the alarm, an orchestra of candy wrappers and groans create a soundtrack to the story of each person desiring to answer their phone. Even the ones who […] »
Hurricane Music
Here’s a few our favorites at WTFF News. These songs are designed to eliminate your stress, get you moving, and take your mind off the land-approaching cyclone. Quit worrying (especially you non-Natives), just get up and dance. Enjoy! »
Hell
Greetings everyone, website admin here. Last night I was swimming in a lake and an alligator bit me. Well, “bite” is an understatement. He ripped me in half and both sides of my severed body thrashed around with bloody palpitations. Every time a neuron fired from my brain to my lower extremities, it resulted in […] »
Toucan
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Why did you come to Florida? Why are you still here?
People move to Florida for three reasons: They’re dying. They’re fucked up and/or on drugs. They actually believed our marketing material. People stay in Florida for three reasons: The natural beauty. All the drugs. Rent is cheap, or they’re incarcerated. »
Detoxing in Florida
Why do people keep sending their fucked up grandkids to Florida to detox from drugs and alcohol??? That’s all we do here… https://www.sun-sentinel.com/local/palm-beach/fl-pn-delray-overdoses-20170706-story.html »
Zimmerman
The fact that Zimmerman is still out and about is a a theatrical and disturbing example of how racism plagues this state. To counter that, we have Miami, a shining beacon of hope that spreads international culture throughout the veins of the dirty south. To be fair though, most of the Florida natives and locals are […] »
