Florida (WTFF) – Hey y’all, that hurricane ain’t gonna hit us none. Full Story »
Cat 4 Florence Fixin’ to Fly Past Florida
Tag: Satire
Destroy Each Other
We received a “must-run message” from our “friends” over at Sinclair Media. We don’t approve of this message, but they’re heavily armed and already shot a few of our best reporters for dissenting, so here it is:
Democrats and Republicans must remain mortal enemies. Do everything in your power to destroy each other.
Conservatives, do your best to strip away women’s rights and censor the internet. All Democrats are Godless baby killers that want to turn your sons gay.
Liberals, do your best to ban large rifles; only police and government employees need those. All Republicans are mass shooters and racists that want to drink their large fountain drinks with straws.
Poor people, we must fight to provide larger tax cuts for the rich, so the profits will trickle down. You will be rich one day too and reap the rewards, just have patience and continue paying your taxes.
Obey your corporations. Continue to consume your programming.
All news that threatens the establishment is fake news.
Go forth and hate thy neighbor.
Ignorance is strength. Unity is weakness. Abuse is kindness. Fear is knowledge. Truth is deceit. Control is liberty.
Must Run Message
** PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT **
We just received a “must-run message” from our corporate sponsors over at Sinclair Media. Ever since we seceded, our FEMA lake has dried up, and we’ve been relying on corporations to pay for the damages caused by Hurricane Flo-Rida 74, which decimated our state right after the Robot Revolution of 2985. The Ministry of Cultural Affairs has not approved the below message, but we must run it, or the corporations will stop funding our nation.
MESSAGE:
“Citizens of the world. Remember that your brothers and sisters are the enemy. Americans, it is your duty to destroy each other; Democrats and Republicans must remain enemies, you are doing excellent still. Floridians, flood your waterways with poison, the highest bidder deserves such spoils. Give to your corporate leaders; we are not the enemy. The press is the enemy. Your neighbors are the enemy. Continue watching your programming. Within ignorance there is knowledge. Abandon hope. Purchase happiness. Feel the surges of excitement as you find ways to outsmart each other. Obey your leaders. Anyone who denies you the right of being abused is in fact the abuser. Don’t trust the internet media. The internet media is riddled with lies against our truth. Be responsible. Be clever. Trust us.”
Unhinged Liberal Snowflake Shoots Friend in Ass After Political Argument on Facebook
Brian Sebring, Butthurt Snowflake
Tampa (WTFF) – A butthurt snowflake was arrested after showing up to his friend’s house and shooting him in the thigh and butt cheek after arguing about politics on Cuckbook. Full Story »
Villager’s Guide to Using Facebook
how to into computer an facebok
Are you a crotchety old Republican Transplant that recently moved to The Villages? Do you hate technology but love the idea of sharing your shitty, bigoted, archaic, ignorant ideologies on Facebook? Well you’ve found the right guide! Full Story »
Florida Ain’t What It Used To Be
Written by: Irvine Bernard Wyatt
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Florida ain’t what it used to be no more. Libtards done messed it all up, just like they ruined America. Thank God for Trump who’s gon’ MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, lahk it used to be. Since Flawrduh’s part of Murka, it’s gon’ get great again too. Full Story »
Butthurt Liberals Realize They’re Responsible for Trump’s Presidency
Technology built by smug liberals in coastal towns was used by Trump’s team to win the election, resulting in painful regret for many butthurt left-wingers. Full Story »
Gun Grabber David Hogg Gets Raided by SWAT Team
Parkland (WTFF) – The home of liberal shill David Hogg was raided by a SWAT team. Full Story »
Mainstream Media Accountability Survey
Florida is under attack from the mainstream media! For years now, they have ridiculed our great state, running “Florida Man” and “Florida Woman” articles. FAKE NEWS! I don’t like it when people share their opinions! We’re going to take a serious look at our libel and slander laws, and put those fuckers in jail, OR WORSE! The news is all full of lies! Lies I tell you! We’re not full of crazy people! Let’s take back Florida! MFGA!
Please hit “Vote” for each question. Full Story »
You don’t need to use turn signals as long as you change lanes reeaally sloooooowly
Apparently this is what people here believe. Full Story »
Politically Correct in 2018
In order to keep up with these changing times, we have decided to re-brand into something more “politically correct” for the modern era. Our site name is changing from “Wow, That’s Fascinating, Florida,” to “What The Fuck, Florida.” If you don’t swear, just call it the former name. WTFF News is proudly committed to staying relevant in these crazy times.
Wall
Paul Mango is Running for President of Palm Chase Condos
Boynton Beach (WTFF) – Paul Mango is trying to “make a difference” at Palm Chase Condominiums by running for President.
Not to be confused with the Paul Mango running for Governor of PA, this Paul Mango is actually important. Full Story »
New Web Site Owner – Baphomet
HELLo everybody. Baphomet here. I’m the new owner of WTF Florida.
I’ve been trying to buy the site for quite some time now, but the original admin kept refusing. He said something about wanting to make people laugh to bring them together, and that even though he made fun of everybody, he still had lots of love and hope for the human race. What a little bitch, lol.
Anyways, he’s dead now. I sent out my minion “Bubba the Gimp” to ass rape him, gouge his eyes out, pour bleach on fresh cuts, and force him to listen to hick-hop (country rap). After a fun night of torture, I told Bubba to stick a shotgun in his mouth and blow his fuckin’ head off. Thanks to Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law, this is perfectly legal… which is honestly kinda fucked up, and I’m literally The Devil… Anyways, his fresh corpse has been buried at the Tallahassee National Cemetery just to fuck with him (he’s always felt a little awkward in North Florida). Full Story »
Stand Your Ground
The nice thing about living in Florida, is that if some little bitch ass faggot starts talking shit, you can LEGALLY shoot them in the fucking face, and not go to jail. It’s our kick-ass law called “Stand Your Ground,” or “STAND YER GROWND!” in Florida dialect. Full Story »
Meet “Joey,” Siesta Key’s New Resident!
Dear audience,
MTV here. Viacom stopped giving us money after the whole shark thing (who knew Florida idiots were so sensitive about animals, eh) but us folks here at MTV don’t give up easily. With our budget cuts, we had to lose our old staff… but that doesn’t mean we’re going away! We are proud to present JOEY! The charismatic young man moving into Siesta Key and making it famous. You can thank us later.
Sincerely,
MTV a..k.a. Viacom
Divide and Conquer
CNN & Fox News on Shark Boi’s untimely death…
R.I.P. Shark Boi. Peace. Full Story »
Retirement: Top Three Greatest Places to Die in Florida
We all know that old people love Florida. Here are the top three places to die in the sunshine state… Full Story »
Florida Cop bakes a ‘Sorry I Tased You’ cake for the innocent woman he attacked
Sorry I Tased You.
Pensacola, FL – A Florida deputy is being accused of excessive force, and adding insult to injury by baking his victim a “sorry I tased you” cake. According to victim Stephanie Byron, deputy Michael Wohlers showed up at the building where she worked for no reason. He then began bullying her and other employees that were present. Full Story »
Florida man, high on meth, ‘cuts off genitals, feeds them to alligator’
A 52-year old man from Tavares in Florida’s Lake County is tonight in intensive care after he was seriously injured during what has been described by investigators as a ‘five-day binge on methamphetamine’. According to reports by local media, the victim, Mr Frank Canfield, was found by neighbors ‘writing on the ground in pain’ outside his property.
As his neighbors approached Mr Canfield, they could see he was ‘clutching his groin region’, which seemed to be soaked in blood. “I asked him what he’d done,” commented one of Mr Canfield’s neighbors, who was not named in the article. “He told me he’d hurt himself badly and asked me to call for help”.
