2018 Leesburg Bikefest Weekend Arrests

This Monday marks the end of Leesburg Bikefest (known simply as “bahk fast” by the locals). It involves motorcycles, alcohol, ass & titties, hair metal bands, and lots and lots of cheap beer. Doctors and lawyers come from all over to cosplay as renegade bikers. Locals show up and party. Dealers show up and sell meth and cocaine. Vendors sell expensive cheap beer. Hippies and locals sell weed. Old hair metal bands go on stage with oxygen tanks. Bikini contests take place. Copious amounts of alcohol and carnival food are sold. Bikes ride up and down Main Street. It’s pretty fun.

Needless to say, the arrest affidavits are always interesting during these times. Here’s just about everything from Lake County this past weekend, put into a very brief format (City – Charges – Extra details). It’s pretty sloppily written, but there were a shitload of arrests and we’re short staffed. Enjoy!

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Tallahassee, The Capital of Florida

My name is Tallahassee
a’on know about y’all,
but I’m real damn proud
Of my cock and my balls.

The capital of Florida,
America’s wang,
got some Antebellum babies
that became unchained.

Most of us are meth heads,
hidin’ in the woods,
all the dang northeasterners
ruined our moods…

All state laws
pass through my city,
Ah like ’em even more
if you think they’re shitty.

The Difference between Rednecks and Yankees

Rednecks will pull your stuck car out of a sand pit, cook good ol’ fashioned southern food for you and your friends (no matter what race or religion y’all are), and practice gun safety with all 100+ locked firearms they legally own.

Stupid Redneck Assholes drive their oversize pickup trucks 80 MPH through the bike lane while texting, believe that demographic shifts are white genocide, and shoot people in the face for parking too close to their vehicle.

Yankees bring in tourism dollars, improve traffic flow in Florida by invoking the useful “don’t block the box” rule, smile and appreciate the kindness of Floridians even if we’re a little weird.

Stupid Yankee Assholes drive like old ladies from Michigan and go 40 MPH below the speed limit in the passing lane, are always rude to cover up the fact that they’re ignorant, and vote against important things like education while taking advantage of our “no income tax” state.

Shirtless Micanopy Man threatens parents with rifle and dead possum

William Markham

The town of Micanopy doesn’t have much going on, except for a fully nude strip club that serves mediocre coffee (I-75 makes me sleepy, don’t judge).

54-year-old William Markham is one of the rare folks who actually lives in Micanopy.

His home is across the street from Micanopy Cooperative School on Northwest 2nd Avenue, and he often complains about all the parents parking on the street outside as they wait to pick up their pesky children. Full Story »