Coked-Out Florida Man Smacks a Police Horse’s Ass in Downtown Orlando

Casey Waldner

Casey Martin Waldner is a 29-year-old Florida Man who lives in Pace, a small town in the Panhandle near Pensacola. According to clickorlando.com, this particular Florida Man came from San Diego, California originally. Florida Man is rarely ever from Florida. Since California is basically the other Florida, we can expect his behavior to be equally shitty.

He’s a North Floridian now. North Floridians hardly ever visit Orlando unless they’re spending their life savings on a family Disney trip. Occasionally though, these creatures visit Church St. where all the nightclubs are, and things tend to go sour…

Casey was in downtown Orlando Saturday night engaging in the local Orlando hobbies of getting belligerently drunk and snorting coke. Since life in Florida is a miserable existence with no clear route of escape, he does what most of our people do and kills away what’s left of his brain with reality-escaping substances. It sure beats his Panhandle home, where nightly entertainment usually involves cow-tipping and meth.

Feeling nice and numb, he marched sloppily down Orange Avenue near Washington Street. It was about 2:30 a.m. Sunday morning; the “witching hour” of drunken stupor, where most everyone feels confident regardless of their worthlessness.
Full Story »

Cocoa Woman Dies from Cocaine and Fire Ant Bites

ants-gustava

Gustava Renee Rigsby was a Florida Woman who made it all the way to the age of 59. On Tuesday, the state medical examiner’s office finalized their autopsy report, determining how she died.

Back in June, she was snorting coke near Cocoa Meat & Produce, a hood grocery store in Cocoa, FL.

She passed out next to a trash can, as most coke heads will eventually do in their relatively short lives.
Full Story »

Drug Induced Hallucinations Compel Florida Couple to Call Police

Tatum Guyer James Turner

JUPITER FARMS – A woman called 911 Monday afternoon. Three men were on her Jupiter Farms driveway, she told a dispatcher. One had a rifle. Another was trying to enter the home.

What Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office authorities first thought was a home invasion turned out to be that woman’s cocaine- and Xanax-fueled hallucination, records state. Full Story »

Delray Dealer Invites Police into Home, Exposing $300,000, Drugs, and Guns

Jovani Alexander Caprio

DELRAY BEACH – Jovani Alexander Caprio knew that his Delray Beach townhouse was filled with drugs and cash.

But when he was asked by members of a Palm Beach County sheriff’s drug task force if they could check the home on the 100 block of Coconut Key Lane despite not having a warrant, Caprio agreed and even showed the agents inside the residence. Full Story »

Florida Woman caught snorting cocaine in parent pick-up line

Christina Hester

 

LEE COUNTY, Fla. –

An officer caught a woman in a Lee County school parent pick-up line snorting cocaine off her iPhone.

The report states the school resource officer at Lexington Middle School spotted Christina Hester, 39, through a second-floor window chopping a white substance on her phone. The officer said he saw Hester use a straw to snort the cocaine. Full Story »

Drunk Florida Man sets scooter on fire because he ‘got mad’ at it

chance richie

Chance Richie was drunk and angry at his scooter, so he set it on fire, according to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.

Late Wednesday, deputies found a 2016 Taizhou scooter up in a blaze in the 8600 block of Blind Pass Road in St. Pete Beach. The fire caused minor damage to two cars parked next to it.

All that was left after firefighters were through with the scooter was a scorched mess. Full Story »

Cocaine Found Inside Key West Cookie Monster

Cookie Monster Cocaine

Cocaine users are always seeking new and creative ways to hide their product. Florida is showing signs of evolution, but hasn’t quite caught up yet…

Deep down in the Florida Keys, a Monroe County deputy was watching traffic. He noticed a car driving by with really dark tint, and an obscured license plate. The deputy followed to investigate. Full Story »

Jacksonville Racing Greyhounds Test Positive for Cocaine

greyhound-racedogs-coke-cocaine

ORANGE PARK, FL – Jacksonville greyhound trainer Charles McClellan had his license suspended after 12 dogs tested positive for cocaine. He has since lost his job, and is scheduled for a hearing on August 23.

The dogs were racers at Bestbet Orange Park, just south of Jacksonville, in Clay County.

Out of the 19 tracks open in the United States, 12 of them are in Florida. Most other states, 40 to be exact, have outlawed dog racing. Here in the good-ol-boy south we still race dogs… and fill them with yayo just to add that extra Florida edge. Full Story »

Jacksonville Man Sits on Gun, Shoots Self in Penis

gun-bullets

 

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A Jacksonville man accidentally shot himself in the penis early Friday morning when he sat on a gun in the driver’s seat of his car, police said.

The 38-year-old man was taken to Memorial Hospital by a woman, who told police that the man was sitting in his Nissan Altima by himself and came into their home on Freedom Crossing Trail in a panic and ran straight to the bathroom.

She said she followed him and saw that he had a gunshot wound to his penis, so she took him to the hospital, where he underwent surgery. Full Story »