Rights

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Now y’all Florida Crackers know how the hood feels. It’s not fun when the government singles out something you enjoy and makes it illegal, is it? It’s not fair when your hobbies are painted as violent and dangerous, is it? Harry Anslinger started the war on weed by convincing many gullible, racist fucks that it had a negative “effect on the degenerate races.” He said that “reefer makes darkies think they’re as good as white men.” These anti-cannabis laws are still in place today, blocking people from enjoying a harmless plant, and also allowing our state and country to incarcerate millions of innocent people, mostly poor people and minorities, even though black people and white people use cannabis at about the same rate. So, now they’re coming after your bump stocks, and perhaps your “scary” rifles next. You all sat there and watched other groups of people get their civil rights taken away from them time after time and said nothing, because you thought or pretended that it didn’t directly affect you. Many of you even cheered on the stripping away of our rights. Remember that a violation of civil rights for one is the violation of civil rights for all. We’re all in this together, so start acting like it.

Mainstream Media

Not everything is as it seems. Take a few breaths and research things. Be patient. Anger is a stupid emotion, and is frequently exploited by media companies. Same with fear. Pay attention. Stop believing in the characterizations of people that dehumanize us. Not all liberals want 72 genders on forms. Not all conservatives believe that Jesus powers the NRA. The more we fight, the more our enemies win. Be decent to each other.

Journalism

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Everything in our news category is real. Everything we quote from arrest affidavits are written verbatim. We cite all our sources. That being said, we are often completely unprofessional in our condemning and ridiculous descriptions of Florida Man and Florida Woman. Without that layer of psychological protection against the sinister nature of these horrific events, WTFF News would be just as depressing as regular news. So we choose to be ridiculous. We’re just being honest though. If you want to join us in our mission to make the news more real, sign up to be an author.

The Villages: Beer and STDs

Thanks to Viagra, The Villages is a goldmine of lemon parties. Thanks to alcoholism and Baby Boomer Americana culture, booze are plentiful. Thanks to the Morse family, this bubble exists in the middle of Florida.

The STD rate is actually pretty low in Lake, Sumter, and Marion counties, but The Villagers do like to get down and dirty. They can afford doctor visits though, putting their counties a little lower on the official Florida STD Rate List. A lot goes on behind closed doors though…

Don’t ask about the key parties.

NRA Lobbying for Schools

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The NRA is lobbying hard to eliminate the problem of overcrowded classrooms in Florida. More dead kids = less crowded classrooms. Don’t let the liberal media trick you into believing that the NRA doesn’t care about kids and schools. We care more about our profits than we do about the lives of your children, but we still do care about them. Please continue sending us money under the vague threat of the boogeyman taking all your guns away. Murica. Fuck yeah.

-NRA Full Story »

People from Michigan

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When Michigan sends its people to Florida, they’re not sending the best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems. They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime. They’re rapists and some, I assume, are good people, but I speak to Floridians and they’re telling us what we’re getting.

-WTF Florida

Disclaimer – it’s just a meme, bro.