The Florida Code

box-of-oranges-postcard

When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, “take I-75,” “take I-4” or “take I-95.”

When crossing the border into Florida forget all driving rules you ever knew.

Turn your blinky lights on when it’s raining.

If you’re a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. to 10 A.M. and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M. This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS. But you will drive anyway.

Freeways can only go north and south . . . Not east and west except Alligator Alley.

Full Story »

New Comments Sytem – Disqus

alligator on computer

We have switched over to disqus for the site’s commenting system. After updating our site to HTTPS to be more secure, we fell victim to a Facebook bug that has affected many other sites. Long story short, we tried many different hacks to save your brilliant comments, but all of those methods would introduce other issues down the road. All of your clever comments will exist on Facebook still, but no longer on our website. It sucks, but all we can do is move forward. Keep the sarcasm rolling, and may the f*ckery continue. Peace!

New Web Site Owner – Baphomet

satan again

HELLo everybody. Baphomet here. I’m the new owner of WTF Florida.

I’ve been trying to buy the site for quite some time now, but the original admin kept refusing. He said something about wanting to make people laugh to bring them together, and that even though he made fun of everybody, he still had lots of love and hope for the human race. What a little bitch, lol.

Anyways, he’s dead now. I sent out my minion “Bubba the Gimp” to ass rape him, gouge his eyes out, pour bleach on fresh cuts, and force him to listen to hick-hop (country rap). After a fun night of torture, I told Bubba to stick a shotgun in his mouth and blow his fuckin’ head off. Thanks to Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law, this is perfectly legal… which is honestly kinda fucked up, and I’m literally The Devil… Anyways, his fresh corpse has been buried at the Tallahassee National Cemetery just to fuck with him (he’s always felt a little awkward in North Florida). Full Story »

Andy the Arhat Anole

andy-the-arhat-anole-og

Never give up. Never feel alone. Never get discouraged.

You see this lizard? All day long he chants Metta (loving-kindness) for YOU, because you matter. His name is Andy. He’s a Brown Anole who attained Arhatship (Nirvana, more or less). You can chant with him using the translation below… Full Story »

Lazy Person’s Guide to Surviving a Hurricane like a Pro

hurricane blowing

So, the mad scramble begins. Stores are shutting down, gas stations are wrapping up their pumps, and people are panicking… especially the newbies here.

Veteran Florida People are not worried.

How can you, as a non-native who failed to buy supplies ahead of time, survive this storm? Well it’s very easy. Learn from the locals, and you will be just fine. Hopefully one or two little markets are still open and you can fight the crowds to do some last minute shopping, if not just ignore the first couple of tips. Full Story »

Greedy Bitches

gas-out-irma

If you’re one of the people who bought 6 months worth of bottled water and gas right at the last minute, you just fucked over thousands of people by preventing them from having any at all. You have a moral responsibility to share if this storm really does do some damage. Don’t be a greedy bitch.

Evacuations = Instant Concealed Weapon Licenses for Everyone in Florida

Thanks to an amendment made in 2015 by Rick Scott, anytime Florida issues a mandatory evacuation, you are automatically allowed to carry a concealed weapon, even if you don’t have a concealed weapon license.

https://www.flsenate.gov/Session/Bill/2015/0290/BillText/er/PDF

2015-concealed-weapon-bill-evacuation.pdf

This is great news for everyone.

Now we can shoot back at any hurricane that threatens us. Lock and load, muthafucka.

One argument for this absurd amendment is that looters could potentially steal leftover guns in people’s homes. Every single one of the responsible gun owners I know has a concealed weapon license already. Also, you can legally carry a gun that’s safely locked up in your trunk without a concealed weapon license, so the argument about looters is complete bullshit. This amendment is not only hilariously unnecessary, but dangerous. Oh well… Florida’s a lost cause. As the entire world laughs at the Gunshine State, all we can do is laugh too, and simply admit that we’re fucked up and will never get any better. You can’t fix stupid.

New Site Upgrades

wtf florida logo

We made some big changes to the mobile version of our site. We hope it makes your browsing experience more enjoyable. Contact us and let us know if we fucked something up, and we will try get it fixed. You can also send compliments to our Web Engineers who we keep locked up in the basement.

How do you like the new mobile site?

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Letter to State Attorney: Shark Dragging Incident

boat-shark-torture

A formal decision from the 12th Judicial Circuit State Attorney is expected by mid-August as publicly announced by assigned Assistant State Attorney Andrew Van Sickle to the shark dragging incident. But still NOTHING has been done. Four men allegedy dragged a shark going at super high speeds while the still-live black tip sharks body was beating against the unforgiving waves. This story has gone viral in numerous media outlet all around the globe. A few of these animal abusers doing this sick shit for mere entertainment have had a history of wildlife and animal abuse. Yet they are still not locked up, fined, or prosecuted. It is time to demand justice once again as our peaceful weapon is information. We want answers as a community. We want answers now!!!

Below are four Letters addressed to our State Attorney by county. PLEASE PRINT AND MAIL TO THE CORRESPONDING ADDRESS. (You can also copy and paste this letter and email it using the link below)

EMAIL: (www.sao12.org/about-us/email-the-state-attorney). On the email form, for the Case No., trying using the FWC’s case number FWSW17OFF012872, given to us in an email.

SARASOTA LETTER:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UcvkSl7FrlMAkJRfw1c3klSGqmBRvFNu7Ogl6jWvtwA/edit?usp=sharing

BRADENTON LETTER
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O7PNpr7JA9b2Ca_lQkNFbmxWefqOh5I4NYm_QPikYwM/edit

VENICE LETTER
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_jwf8nqrfa78ttrn0beOodYpmg42_Boht9UTvB9-3uo/edit

DESOTO COUNTY LETTER
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yxM19ckxma2Xe6OODm7YBu5TGQ_ZM5u01Poh3zs_i78/edit

Thank you to a fellow animal advocate who penned the above letters. I will keep her anonymous as per request. However, please do modify and personalize as you wish. Thank you warriors!

Massive Manatee Orgies Underway

manatees-69

It’s the “busy season” for these gyrating giants. Just let them get their freak on, and try to stay out of the way.

Give Mating Manatees Their Space!

We’d like to remind beachgoers, boaters and the general public to keep your distance if you see a manatee mating herd in Florida waters. It’s very common to see mating herds in shallow nearshore waters during the spring and summer months, and if you encounter a herd it’s important to observe from a safe distance as these large, strong animals are focused on mating. Bystanders that get too close could be seriously injured. In most cases the manatees are not stranded, injured or distressed, and the public should not try to approach or assist the animals in any way. Kane Rigney, a manatee biologist at our Path Lab, talked with us last year about mating herds and what the public should do if they see one. If a manatee appears to be injured, stranded or dead, please call Wildlife Alert at 888-404-3922.

Source: facebook.com/FWCResearch/

Florida Culinary Arts School

culinary

WTF Florida is branching out to build a college. We are just as legit as Full Sail, Keiser University, Florida Memorial, and Trump University. Your degree will be totally valid, and we promise you won’t get laughed at for showing your diploma to an out-of-state employer. Learn the art of cooking really fucking fantastic food. Impress your friends and maybe even get laid with your knowledge of manipulating the taste buds into savory surrender.

*Honest Disclaimer: we are completely full of shit just like most of these private colleges Full Story »

Tallahassee’s Witch Grave

Tallahassee City Cemetery 4

Nestled in Tallahassee’s oldest public cemetery, the curious grave of Elizabeth “Bessie” Budd-Graham is a unique memorial to a woman some believe was a kind “good witch.”

A century old legend surrounds a curious tomb in Tallahassee’s old City Cemetery. As I entered the iron gates of the cemetery my attention was captured by an ornate, towering obelisk marking a curious tomb. It’s easy to get the feeling that this unusual grave magnetically beckons visitors to come closer. This is the most visited grave in the entire cemetery, mainly due to a legend about how it’s the final resting place for a witch named “Bessie.” Full Story »

Boycott 1-800-Ask-Gary Hotel on Siesta Key

Boycott stamp

*Everyone* should call/write/email the Sarasota Commissioners, as well as the ‘Siesta Key Association’, and tell them you don’t support a Hotel on Siesta Key built by Gary Kompothecras. He’s got attorneys, and is trying to bully this thing into getting built.

Currently “Captain Curt’s Crab/Oyster Bar”, and “Clayton’s Siesta Grille” have said they support Gary Kompothecras in building this Hotel on Siesta Key.

Call/Email/Write local business “Captain Curt’s Oyster Bar” and “Clayton’s Siesta Grille” and tell them you will boycott their businesses unless they pull support for Gary’s Hotel.

Sarasota County Commissioners:
https://www.scgov.net/government/commissioners/commission-districts
Sarasota City Commissioners:
https://sarasotagov.org/Commissioners/Index.cfm

Siesta Key Association:
https://www.siestakeyassociation.com/contacts.htm
(941) 364-4880

Captain Curt’s Crab & Oyster Bar:
https://www.captaincurts.com/contact
941-349-3885
https://www.facebook.com/Captain-Curts-Crab-Oyster-Bar-and-Sniki-Tiki-140204976041288

Clayton’s Siesta Grille:
https://claytonssiestagrille.com/contact/
[email protected]
941-349-2800

 

#FIGHTBACK and keep Florida beautiful. Say NO to enabling animal abusers and debauchery. Call 1-800-FUCK-GARY and tell them to cancel their shitty reality show ‘Siesta Key.’

Email from Sarasota County Film & Entertainment Office

Hi, thanks for connecting.  I understand and respect the concerns of everyone seeing this situation unfold, and like everyone, am waiting to see the outcome of the various investigatory actions underway by authorities and the fact-finding they make public.

There has been no indication to our office that a second season is being considered, but we often do not know that kind of information until it’s made public by the production themselves or their networks/distributors through press releases and the like.

Regarding the first season of this “Siesta Key” program that was shot here between March and July, there weren’t any “monetary exchanges or agreements” with our office, and communications with the film commission — like all productions who inquire and who shoot on location here – were about permits and liability insurance as well as information about our county-wide cash rebate incentive program set out in detail here: www.filmsarasota.com/incentives .

The production team on the ground and their crew were very professional and filled out normal permits which were required to be on public property, provided proof of liability insurance and met all regulatory requirements along those lines.  The majority of the filming, though, seems to have taken place on private property and that does not require permits, just the private property owners’ permission/consent and cooperation.

To date, they wrapped in late July but they have not filed any paperwork to apply for any rebate (see link above) of qualified spending regarding the series shot here for the MTV program. I think there were ten total episodes filmed, but it might be only 8 – again, I don’t have any incentive application to indicate the final outcomes of total local production spending, which is what they’d communicate to us with documentation if they were going to file.

I hope this is helpful.

Sincerely,

www.filmsarasota.com
TOLL-FREE: 1-888-ROLL-SRQ
(941) 309-1200

That message was in response to our original email below:

Could you please tell me if MTV has any plans to film a second season of Siesta Key?

Please also send any records of communication between the Sarasota County Film & Entertainment Office (part of the Sarasota County Economic Development Corporation) and MTV (or parent companies such as Viacom) in regards to monetary exchanges or agreements of any sort. This could include permitting, financial incentives offered from either party, and all signed agreements.

Fla. Stat. sec. 119.011(1) (1995) allows public access to all public records. Please send this information as quickly as possible… we understand you are very busy, if there’s anything we can do to help, please let us know.

There’s a petition gathering steam to get this show cancelled, in response to the animal abuse committed by its star, Alex:

https://www.change.org/p/mtv-petition-to-have-the-tv-show-siesta-key-removed

Looking forward to working with you as we unravel this incident.

Thanks!

WTFFlorida.com

Sarasota County and MTV Siesta Key – Public Record Documents

Files:

The first PDF contains potential filming locations and contacts and more, the second PDF is an insurance agreement between Bobby Aguilar of Entertainment One Reality Productions and a few Sarasota County departments. The third file is a DOCX of their production schedule.

Email response:

RE: Public Records Request of 8/8/2017, Reference # W001169-080817

Dear WTF,

Sarasota County received a public records request from you on 8/8/2017. Your request mentioned

“Please send me all email correspondence between Sarasota County and MTV (and their holding companies, such as Viacom), especially in regards to the filming of their reality show, “Siesta Key.”Please also send any permits, proposals, or documents relating to the MTV show, “Siesta Key.”Thank you so much for your time!”.

Sarasota County has reviewed its files and has located responsive records to your request. Please log in to the Public Records Request portal to retrieve the responsive records.

With regards to email correspondence, the request must be specific in detail so that there is no question the records you’re seeking. A specific date range for the search is required. If there are alias names involved in the search, those will need to be provided. The use of words such as “Siesta Key” will yield a large volume of records making your request extensive, and it’s probable a good part of those emails will not be related to your search. The volume of records and required staff time also contribute to the fees associated with a request. Your request can be processed using the word “Siesta Key” however it is suggested that the search be narrowed to ensure your obtain the records you desire. Also, providing specific email addresses for your search impacts the volume as well. Please provide more specific detail in your email search request.

If you have any questions, or wish to discuss this further, please contact me.

Thank you.

Boycott These MTV Siesta Key Sponsors

Boycott stamp

Download the original list in a twitter-ready text file

MTV Siesta Key Sponsors:

  • MTV
  • Viacom
  • Secret Deodorant
  • Mountain Dew
  • Tobacco Free Florida
  • Extra Gum
  • Gain
  • Know The Real Cost
  • Arby’s
  • Dr Pepper
  • Metro PCS
  • Gatorade
  • eBay
  • Dawn Dish
  • Sour Patch Kids
  • Taco Bell
  • Mr Clean
  • Frontier Corp
  • Gifted (Movie)
  • Cox Auto
  • Sony Pictures
  • Victorias Secret
  • Oreo
  • Temptations Cats
  • Burger King
  • Playtex Sport
  • The Nut Job (Movie)
  • Powerade
  • Chevy
  • Leap! (Movie)
  • Truth Orange
  • Rooms To Go
  • Glass Castle Film
  • Downy
  • 5 Gum
  • Kidnap (Movie)
  • Bounce Fresh

In case you live under a rock and haven’t heard about the shark case, we are boycotting these sponsors because of a show called ‘Siesta Key,’ that disgraces Florida, and stars a man who tortures animals for fun. Let’s hit MTV where it hurts… right in their revenue stream. If we can even make a smell dent in the profits of their advertisers, they will all notice. This is our peaceful protest. Together we are stronger than big companies and big money. The internet has changed everything, and we are here to prove it. Boycott all these brands and share for awareness.

As Biggie said, “muthaf*cka this ain’t back in the day…” the internet made anything possible. Let’s show these fools how strong we are as a team. Florida will not accept this new un-reality show. We are not weak like the Jersey Shore. We will not allow it.

Boycott Siesta Key MTV

Siesta Key Show MTV

Look, Florida’s f*cked up enough from all these outsiders coming here and desecrating our beautiful state. We don’t need any more visitors… and certainly not more privileged, sexist, racist, spoiled brats who torture animals. Share these photos, and keep the pressure on. One of the guys on the show (the producer’s son) is friend’s with Michael Wenzel, the infamous animal torturer, and was allegedly on the boat filming the incident. He issued a public “apology,” which means nothing really. F*ck MTV and f*ck their stupid show. Let’s not turn the beautiful Siesta Key into another garbage Jersey Shore. Full Story »

Florida Dictionary

Florida Cracker – (noun) – The Earl of Dartmouth said it best in the 1760’s: “I should explain to your Lordship what is meant by Crackers; a name they have got from being great boasters; they are a lawless set of rascalls on the frontiers of Virginia, Maryland, the Carolinas, and Georgia, who often change their places of abode.”

Originally, the root word “crack” came from the Gaelic word “craic,” meaning “entertaining talk” or “boisterous and bragging.” Even in modern times we say that we “crack” a joke among friends. Over time the origins of the word was lost, and many people claim that the word came from the “crack” of a whip used in slavery days, though in reality most “crackers” couldn’t afford slaves.

Another possible meaning came from the days when donkeys would pull carts of citrus, and the handlers would crack their whip to get them moving.

Modern day Floridians boast crackership when they have had many generations of Florida-born family members who were unable to escape Florida.

Florida Man – Florida Man is eternal. He is the perpetual identity of many people, caught in the cycle of death and rebirth in Florida. As one overdoses, another is born from parents who had no idea sex causes pregnancies. Florida Man lies dormant in all of us. He comes out especially when drunk. Though the individual may change, Florida Man is a constant in our zany headlines. He is known for his bizarre, anti-social behavior and lack of intellect.

Florida Mans – the plural form of “Florida Man” is “Florida Mans,” and not “Florida men.” Florida men are simply Floridians who are male. Floridians wear socks and sandals. Florida Man stabs people in the face with chicken bones. There’s a big difference. Florida Man is a proper noun and both words must be capitalized.

Florida Woman – Like Florida Man but with two of the same kind of sex chromosome (XX).

Florida Womans – Used to describe more than one Florida Woman.

The Florida Slide – when you slowly change lanes without looking and without using turn signals.

The Super Florida Slide – when you do The Florida Slide with a Salt Life or FloGrown sticker on your vehicle.

Floridian – A decent human being who lives in Florida. Not to be confused with Florida Man or Florida Woman.

Floridian Slip – When you unintentionally expose your true feelings mid-sentence by pulling out a gun and shooting a bitch in the face. This is generally an act for Florida Man and Florida Woman to commit, as Floridians are usually peaceful.

Poe’s Law – On the internet, it’s nearly impossible to differentiate between satirical posts, and genuine thoughts written by people who are actually that fucking stupid.

Stand Your Ground – Basically, justifiable homicide as long as the shooter is white and the deceased is black. Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman are the two that got national attention, but there are thousands of others. Florida pioneered this law and many other states followed. Homicides spiked by 32% and murders went up 22% after this law was implemented, but are slowly coming back down as more people get permanently removed from society. If you want to murder someone, but don’t want to go to jail, just yell “Stand Your Ground!” very loudly as you shoot them.

The Tourist Teeter – when you pull onto I-95 and decide to coast across 5 lanes of traffic while going 40 MPH below the speed limit, only to cross those 5 lanes again returning to the far right lane to take the very next exit.

Trampite – (noun) – any sexual deviant, drug addict, abusive person, or derivative thereof from the Tampa Bay zone. A combination of the words “Tramp” and “Tampa.”

Voting Rights Restoration Efforts in Florida

Criminal_Disenfranchisement_Map

Florida has one of the most punitive disenfranchisement policies in the country, permanently barring all citizens with felony convictions from voting unless they individually apply to the state Office of Executive Clemency for rights restoration.

This policy bars more than 1.6 million Floridians – including more than one in five African-Americans in the state – from the polls. Florida has the highest disenfranchisement rate in the country.

Florida, Kentucky and Iowa are the only states where felony convictions permanently strip the offender of voting rights.

Read more at brennancenter.org

Open Letter to the FWC

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UPDATE 8/2/17: The FWC has responded to our Facebook post with this message:

Hi WTF Florida and other citizens: We appreciate and understand your concern for our state’s precious natural resources. We’ve been inundated with comments and messages and we want to thank you for your patience as we continue to respond to public inquiries. The agency continues to take this matter very seriously as the lack of respect displayed for our natural resources is disheartening and disturbing. The investigation of the shark dragging incident is active and our officers are working diligently to reach a lawful resolution in this case. While the investigation is ongoing, we will not be providing additional details about the status. We thank you for your commitment to our state’s fish and wildlife and will kep the pubic informed as the investigation continues. Here is a statement from FWC Chairman Brian Yablonski:

“I, my fellow Commissioners, and the men and women of the FWC, who are dedicated to conserving Florida’s precious natural resources for future generations, could not agree more with Governor Scott’s powerful words. Each and every member of our agency is disgusted by the behavior shown in the video. FWC Division of Law Enforcement investigators are working diligently to come to a lawful resolution in this case. Florida is a sportsman’s destination and there is no place in Florida for these kinds of callous acts. We are eager to move forward with the Governor’s suggestion to review and strengthen regulations as necessary to help deter this type of behavior in the future. These individuals do not represent the sentiments and conscientious actions of millions of conservation-minded anglers around the world.”

-Chairman Brian Yablonski, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission

UPDATE 8/1/17: We spoke to the public information officer about this, and he assured us that FWC staff is just as disgusted by this video as the public, and that they are still gathering evidence.

Let’s have some faith and consider the FWC our ally in this ordeal. Please send any evidence you may have to [email protected]

Please don’t blow up their phones or send them constant emails… that will only impede the investigation and waste everyone’s time. As a self-appointed public watchdog over this matter, we will shift focus to whatever needs to be done to seek justice. At this point, we are standing by the FWC in their efforts to gather evidence and eventually indict these men. We understand how frustrating the wait is, but we must remember that the law moves at a snail’s pace, while the internet moves at light speed. You may email us at [email protected] if you have any comments or questions that could help our cause.

Full Story »

Let’s Make Florida Slightly Less Fucked Up

Let's Make Florida Slightly Less Fucked Up
“Let’s Make Florida Slightly Less Fucked Up.”

Dear Floridians (and everybody else),

Florida’s a fucked up place. From animal abusers to angry ex-cops to Zimmerman to horse fuckers, we have plenty of issues. WTF Florida is your source for these fucked up news articles, and we encourage hysterical laughter at the zany headlines coming out of the Gunshine State.

After the laughter comes tears. The victims of Florida’s insanity aren’t laughing (unless they’re truly demented, which happens sometimes). We have a responsibility to improve Florida as much as we can.

WTF Florida would like to state a new mission:

We are dedicated to becoming a Karma Neutral State.

We want Florida’s karmatic number to be perfectly balanced at zero. Laughing at other people’s misery brings negative karma. Doing fucked up shit brings negative karma. Helping people who have been fucked over by Florida’s insanity brings you positive karma. We are still going to make fun of everybody who shows up on this site, but we are also going to start getting more serious about fixing stupid shit.

From this point on, we will occasionally start petitions to bring about justice, and to fix things that are unfair or that defy morals. We encourage our readers to help, not only by signing and sharing these petitions, but to also create them yourselves and to contact your representatives when appropriate. Please contact us if you have an issue that is important to you.

Send us info about your non-profit group or activism group, and we will try to get you more views (if you don’t mind being associated with us). Use the Contact page and let us know what you’re about.

All big problems start small. You can make a difference today by doing little things. Give a homeless person a bottle of water. Ask a local school what supplies they need and gift them with what you can afford. Use your fucking turn signals. The list goes on.

Help us help our state.

Let’s work together for the greater good.

Let’s make Florida slightly less fucked up.

 

 

Sign a petition making animal cruelty a second degree felony in Florida

I want to present a proposed amendment to our State Legislature for consideration of amending the current animal cruelty laws specifically F.S. 828.12 (2)(a)(b) from a third degree felony to a second degree felony and to impose stricter, harsher punishment and penalties in the event of the abuse, torture, and killing of innocent animals.

https://www.change.org/p/debbie-taylor-darino-harsher-punishment-for-animal-cruelty-ponce-s-law

Click here to sign

Animal abuse is a common thing in Florida, let’s make the punishment more severe.