Florida Natives are a protected species. Please stop taking them home as pets. »
(108 found)
Category: Random Thoughts
Random Thoughts
Cold Sores
Just as cold sores bubble out of herpes-infested skin, so Florida juts out of ‘Murka as a beacon of the hostility, ignorance and filth that are festering inside. »
McDonald’s
If America is the McDonald’s of the world, then Florida is the drunk guy flashing people in that McDonald’s. »
PSA: Florida’s Cancelled
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT The entire state of Florida has been cancelled. Turns out the whole thing was a mistake. Sorry for any inconvenience. »
Drunk and Sweaty
Floridafy your life. Do whatever you do, but do it drunk and sweaty. »
Floridafy Your Life
Floridafy your life. Do whatever you do, just do it in the nude and with a smile. »
Obligation to Kindness
From @Are0h on playvicious.social Remember, you are under no obligation to be kind to people that mean you harm. You do not owe civility to anyone that denies your basic human right to exist safely. It is pointless to attempt to reason with a person that is resigned to believe your suffering is necessary and […] »
Hurricanes and Gators
Hurricanes and gators don’t scare us in Florida. We have drugs and guns for those, in that order. They’re pretty harmless, relatively. It’s the voters and the corporations that trick the voters that do the most damage here. »
Maturity and Legal Threats
Maturity is replying to legal threats with anything other than, “suck my peninsula,” or “read our terms and then go fuck yourself.” »
Stupid
It’s funny when someone thinks that because you’re from Florida you must be stupid and then you surprise them and they realize you really are stupid. »
Limp
Florida used to be shaped like an erect penis pointing towards Morocco until all the old people moved down and made it hang limp. Cape Dementia and The Villages hold the largest concentration in the world of retired dying waste known as Baby Boomers. »
Death
Everyone dies. Except Florida Man, who's immutably eternalized through headlines. »
Florida Man and The Law
Does Florida Man break the law, or does The Law break Florida Man? »
Republicans in 2018
Republicans are brainwashed. They don’t know how to decipher between facts and lies. Republicans are willfully ignorant and intellectually lazy. Even when they are told the truth, they don’t care and refuse to look it up. If any of them had half a brain, they would know that Trump is a Populist Authoritarian. And just […] »
Misleading News
Usually misleading news isn’t a big conspiracy. Writers are humans too. News is just shitty because their boss’s boss’s bosses keep pushing for more advertising clicks. »
This state is really Florida’d up
This state is really Florida’d up »
Two kinds of Florida Man
“There are two kinds of Florida Man; those that have been caught, and them that ain’t.” -Florida Man / Floridian »
The truth about old people
Old people are just young people that haven’t died. Don’t expect them to be wise or kind. »
God Bless Florida Man
God bless Florida Man, for his crimes that hurt no one. He is truly free, something that upsets and frightens those who wish to control the masses. While Catholic priests boink little boys in the butt and church leaders use tithe money to hide the truth, Florida Man simply strips his clothes off like supralapsarian […] »
Brother against Brother, Sister against Sister
Floridians on the left and right of politics both seem to hate the ruling elite class, but they’re too busy finding ways to destroy each other to notice. »
Vote for me
When I’m elected, I will put Florida first. Lots of politicians just use fancy words to lull their constituents into voting for them, but I’m different. Jobs! You stupid fuckers like jobs, right? Vote for me. »
Rear End
If you rear end someone, just stay cool. Yes, it’s your fault, but chances are they don’t have insurance and will just yell at you and drive off. »
Political Promises
Hi, I’m almost every political candidate, and I promise to: ✅ Pander to my base with rhetorical phrases and uplifting but empty promises. ✅ Make you fight to keep your constitutional rights. ✅ Blame the other side. ✅ Find what pisses you off and run ads about how I’m going to change those things. ✅ […] »
Newton’s Florida Laws
Newton’s First Law of Florida: Every peninsula in a state of uniform fuckery tends to remain in that state of fuckery unless a logical force is applied to it. Newton’s Second Law of Florida: The relationship between a person’s stupidity s, their bravery b, and their overall Floridaness F is F = sb. As stupidity […] »
Dog Days of Summer
WEATHER FORECAST: Still the Dog Days of Summer, just stay the fuck inside. Or go to the beach, or lounge in a swimming pool. I’m not even a meteorologist. You already know it’s going to be hot and sunny, and it’s going to pour for a few minutes in the afternoon. Weather reports are useless. […] »
Political Propaganda
We officially endorse that one dude who’s always chillaxing outside of liquor stores telling funny stories. We also endorse Florida Woman, who doesn’t take any shit from anyone. Political propaganda will be in full swing again very soon. Corrupt politicians will go on TV and ironically tell you that “many politicians are corrupt,” to make […] »
Birth Control and the Catholic Church
WTFF News would like to thank the Catholic church for their hard-line stance against birth control. Pulling out is just fine, but using “the pill” is an abomination. Obviously the “pull out method” is rather ineffective and leads to pregnancy. Because of all the unplanned pregnancies, many of the oops babies who miraculously survived into […] »
Marijuana Laws
The Nixon administration created the war on drugs to “criminalize” peaceful black people and hippies. It was never about keeping people safe. We need to free all the prisoners who are suffering from the cruel remnants of these unconstitutional and unscientific marijuana laws. »
Secede July 16, 2018
We, the people of the State of Florida in Convention assembled, do solemnly ordain, publish and declare: That the State of Florida hereby withdraws herself from the country existing under the name of the United States of America, and from the existing Government of said country. July 16, 2018 »
International Florida
Don’t act like like South Florida “ain’t really Florida” because it’s not crawling with white people who are terrified of spicy food. The Calusa Indians were riding canoes down to Cuba and The Bahamas for trade purposes in the 1500s. Florida’s always been international. »
Exciting News
Be wary of news that excites you too much. Facts are often boring. The exception is, of course, news about the mishaps of Florida Man and Florida Woman. Within their perversions there is purity. They live within the moment and are often victims of their own spontaneousness. Deep down inside, they are good people who […] »
Wild
Florida’s always been wild. The name “Sim-in-oli” was given to those who left Oconee around 1750. It means “wild.” Members of the Creek Confederacy who traveled south to what is now Florida were probably proud of their honorific, as are Floridians. »
Sanctuary City
Florida is a “Sanctuary City” for old Republican Baby Boomers. It’s time we deport them all, and send them back to Michigan, Ohio, or wherever they come from. »
Y’all
If Yankees were so smart, why haven’t they come up with a plural second-person pronoun? »
Political Ads
My opponent is a fucking piece of shit. Fuck them. Vote for me. I’ll make everything better for you. This message has been approved by [your favorite politician] and targeted directly to you, based on your browsing habits, what you said to your lover the other night, and what kind of person you are (based […] »
America is the Florida of the world
The United States is the Florida of the world. »
This Whole World
This whole world is fucked up, which takes some of the pressure off Florida. »
Changing Lanes
If you need to change lanes, just point. A true Floridian will let you in. Turn signals may confuse them (they might think it’s raining). If you point to the lane you want, and they don’t let you in, try using the other finger. »
Deplorable Culture
Because crude, idiotic, insulting language and behavior is the norm now, we’re semi-officially and temporarily changing our name from “What The Fuck, Florida” to “Wow, That’s Fascinating, Florida.” You can still call it whatever you want, or just use the acronym WTFF. Or make up your own acronym, like “Wild, Thoughtful, Fascinating Floridians.” It’s our […] »
Political Endorsements
We officially endorse that one dude who’s always chillaxing outside of liquor stores telling funny stories. We also endorse Florida Woman, who doesn’t take any shit from anyone. »
