Florida Cracker – (noun) – The Earl of Dartmouth said it best in the 1760’s: “I should explain to your Lordship what is meant by Crackers; a name they have got from being great boasters; they are a lawless set of rascalls on the frontiers of Virginia, Maryland, the Carolinas, and Georgia, who often change their places of abode.”
Originally, the root word “crack” came from the Gaelic word “craic,” meaning “entertaining talk” or “boisterous and bragging.” Even in modern times we say that we “crack” a joke among friends. Over time the origins of the word was lost, and many people claim that the word came from the “crack” of a whip used in slavery days, though in reality most “crackers” couldn’t afford slaves.
Another possible meaning came from the days when donkeys would pull carts of citrus, and the handlers would crack their whip to get them moving.
Modern day Floridians boast crackership when they have had many generations of Florida-born family members who were unable to escape Florida.
Florida Man – Florida Man is eternal. He is the perpetual identity of many people, caught in the cycle of death and rebirth in Florida. As one overdoses, another is born from parents who had no idea sex causes pregnancies. Florida Man lies dormant in all of us. He comes out especially when drunk. Though the individual may change, Florida Man is a constant in our zany headlines. He is known for his bizarre, anti-social behavior and lack of intellect.
Florida Mans – the plural form of “Florida Man” is “Florida Mans,” and not “Florida men.” Florida men are simply Floridians who are male. Floridians wear socks and sandals. Florida Man stabs people in the face with chicken bones. There’s a big difference. Florida Man is a proper noun and both words must be capitalized.
Florida Woman – Like Florida Man but with two of the same kind of sex chromosome (XX).
Florida Womans – Used to describe more than one Florida Woman.
The Florida Slide – when you slowly change lanes without looking and without using turn signals.
The Super Florida Slide – when you do The Florida Slide with a Salt Life or FloGrown sticker on your vehicle.
Floridian – A decent human being who lives in Florida. Not to be confused with Florida Man or Florida Woman.
Floridian Slip – When you unintentionally expose your true feelings mid-sentence by pulling out a gun and shooting a bitch in the face. This is generally an act for Florida Man and Florida Woman to commit, as Floridians are usually peaceful.
Poe’s Law – On the internet, it’s nearly impossible to differentiate between satirical posts, and genuine thoughts written by people who are actually that fucking stupid.
Stand Your Ground – Basically, justifiable homicide as long as the shooter is white and the deceased is black. Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman are the two that got national attention, but there are thousands of others. Florida pioneered this law and many other states followed. Homicides spiked by 32% and murders went up 22% after this law was implemented, but are slowly coming back down as more people get permanently removed from society. If you want to murder someone, but don’t want to go to jail, just yell “Stand Your Ground!” very loudly as you shoot them.
The Tourist Teeter – when you pull onto I-95 and decide to coast across 5 lanes of traffic while going 40 MPH below the speed limit, only to cross those 5 lanes again returning to the far right lane to take the very next exit.
The Villages – The world’s largest retirement community, spanning three counties. As described on fakenation.info, “The ultimate monument to the fantasies of early onset dementia. Life inside of a theme park. Endless geriatric summer camp in endlessly perfect weather.”
Trampite – (noun) – any sexual deviant, drug addict, abusive person, or derivative thereof from the Tampa Bay zone. A combination of the words “Tramp” and “Tampa.”