When I’m elected, I will put Florida first.
Lots of politicians just use fancy words to lull their constituents into voting for them, but I’m different. Jobs! You stupid fuckers like jobs, right?
Vote for me.
My opponent wants to see children die, can you imagine!? They hate Florida! In fact, my opponent is a fucking piece of shit. They want you to pay more in taxes, where I want to save you poor, miserable slobs from the evil politicians that lie to you all the time.
Trust me.
My plans are the best. They’re so great, that I don’t even bother to outline how I’m going to improve your peninsula. Just look on my campaign website. I mention ALL the issues that Old Media has forced upon you and told you to care about. Then I paid some asshole to write a paragraph or two under each headline, full of buzz words and hopeful language.
Vote for me, you stupid fucker. I really care about Florida.
We all know that Floridians are under attack every day. This is unacceptable (stand up and applaud, you ungrateful shit). I promise to make being a Floridian legal again! Seriously, you better fucking vote for me. I spent millions on these ads, instead of putting that money into fixing shit. War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength. Vote for me, you dumb bitch.
Sincerely,
Most (if not all) politicians
