The real deal on these Florida cities…
Alachua: Gainesville, basically
Altamonte Springs: “The eyesore on I-4”
Anna Maria: Population: >1,000
Apalachicola: White trash capital of Florida
Apopka: “Indoor Foliage Capital of the World”
Arcadia: Tiny city straddling Tampa Bay and The Everglades
Aventura: So many fancy stores in that mall
Boca Raton: Rich Jewish grandmas
Bonita Springs: Hope you like housing developments and golf!
Boynton Beach: a.k.a. Palm Beach
Cape Canaveral: You definitely went on a field trip here
Cape Coral: a.k.a. Cape Coma – Buy a house for less than your lunch
Celebration: Kind of creepy TBH
Clearwater: Scientology HQ
Cocoa Beach: That exit you take off I-95 to get to UCF
Coconut Creek: Butterfly World!
Coral Gables: * parks next to car worth more than my life *
Crestview: a.k.a. Crestucky – Fastest growing city in Florida population wise. Slowest growing city in Florida culture wise.
Dade City: supposedly Tree City USA but it’s more like Dead City USA… because there ain’t much out here…
Dania Beach: That Boomers wooden roller coaster cannot be safe
Davie: Carsurfing in the Publix parking lot during rainy season
Daytona Beach: Motorcycles and NASCAR
Deerfield Beach: You probably came here to surf that one time in high school
DeLand: When you book a rare flight that doesn’t land in MCO or MIA. Also skydiving
Fort Lauderdale: Fort Liquordale
Fort Myers: * Lincoln Town Car going 30 MPH in the left lane *
Fort Myers Beach: SPRIIIIIIIING BREAAAAAK!!!! * does keg stand at Lani Kai *
Fort Pierce: Where you stop to go the bathroom on your way to Orlando or Miami
Gainesville: A drinking town with a football problem. Bratty rich college kids vs the fishin n huntin crowd and aging hipsters
Hialeah: Where your driving skills are truly tested
Hollywood: I’m bored so I guess we should roam around Seminole Hard Rock
Homestead: Empty baseball stadium
Jacksonville: Home to the worst football team in Florida (and that’s saying something)
Kendall: Santa’s Enchanted Forest
Key Biscayne: Let’s get wasted on a boat at the Columbus Day Regatta
Key West: Come celebrate Ernest Hemingway’s grand literary tradition of extreme drunkenness
Kissimmee: That place you pass on the way to Disney from SoFla
LaBelle: All cars required by law to have confederate flag bumper stickers
Lakeland: The mistake with some lakes
Lake City: We have lots of new stores and no jobs so we all still shop at Walmart and dollar stores!
Lake Mary: I tell people who don’t live in Florida that I’m from Orlando
Leesburg: Old people and pregnant teenagers
Lehigh Acres: Where there’s more Dollar Generals than homes
Marco Island: How long before an old rich white guy just buys the whole island
Melbourne: a.k.a. Melboring – where “not a damn thing ever happens”
Melrose: Young druggies and grumpy old people
Miami: The Magic City where you are no longer in “Florida,” but instead, “Miami.”
Miami Beach: 85% normal, 15% art deco & cocaine. Also, Collins Ave.
Milton: Government experiment that went horribly wrong
Miramar: “Johnny Depp went to Miramar High!”
Naples: Ooooh soft white sand
Navarre: It’s like Victoria’s Secret in that it’s no longer a secret…
Niceville: the middle of nowhere, but a great place to send a postcard from
Ocala: a.k.a. Slowcala – The “city” is full of meth heads and slave-holder successors with shitloads of money and property where they keep horses. The woods on the other hand, contains wildlife, meth labs, meth scientists, and The Rainbow People.
Okeechobee: There’s a big lake
Orlando: DISNEY, UNIVERSAL, ETC ETC ETC
Oviedo: Forgotten city – from the Spanish verb olvido meaning “to forget”
Palmetto: Famous for giant flying bugs and heroin overdoses
Palm Bay: We’re right next to, and bigger than Melbourne.
Panama City Beach: Drunk college kids make poor life decisions on spring break
Pembroke Pines: Saturday night? Our options are Pembroke Gardens, Muvico, or Walmart.
Pensacola: The Redneck Riviera
Pinecrest: I tell people who don’t live in Florida that I’m from Miami
Pine Hills: Crime Hills
Plant City: Strawberries for days
Plantation: Broward mall
Ponce de Leon: Residents hold the world championship in small town gossip
Port St. Lucie: a.k.a. Port St. Loser – About halfway between Miami and Orlando
Sarasota: Heaven’s waiting room
St. Augustine: The oldest city in Florida
St. Cloud: Still have KKK meetings
St. Petersburg: a.k.a. St. Pistolsburg – It’s basically Tampa but with more expensive shops
Sanibel: seafood, rich people, expensive baby stores, shell shops
Sarasota: “My grandparents have a condo in –” “Sarasota?” “Yeah, how’d you know?”
Sebastian: a.k.a. Setrashtian – next town over from Zero Beach and north of Port Saint Lousy
Tallahassee: Garnet and gold, Jameis Winston worshipers, the Capitol building shaped like a penis
Tampa: a.k.a. Trampa – More strip joints than any other city in the U.S.
The Villages: Old people from Michigan commandeering 3 counties in the middle of Florida on golf carts. Key parties.
Titusville: It’s pronounced “tite-us-ville,” not “tit-us-ville.”
Weeki Wachee: Mermaids!
Wellington: Polo (the game, not the overpriced shirts)
Wesley Chapel: When high-end auto dealerships and discounted shopping collide
West Palm Beach: Rapids and Lion Country Safari
Weston: Rich people who live off the Royal Palm exit
Wilton Manors: Gayland
Winter Haven: Old, poor, and/or pregnant population with a medical related business on every corner
Winter Park: I tell people who don’t live in Florida that I’m from Orlando
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