Greetings everyone, website admin here. Last night I was swimming in a lake and an alligator bit me. Well, “bite” is an understatement. He ripped me in half and both sides of my severed body thrashed around with bloody palpitations. Every time a neuron fired from my brain to my lower extremities, it resulted in a misfire and created extremely painful convulsions as my life slowly exited my body. Then I started drowning (my top half rather). It was all very exciting and curious, and I wish someone had it on video.
Anyway, lucky for all of you, WTF Florida is not dead.
I am reporting to you from the 7th layer of Hell. It’s quite nice here. The weather is way better (not as much humidity) and the people here can actually hold a conversation unlike Florida with all of its transplants from the Midwest, meth heads, social drunks, and stupid redneck assholes (not to be confused with cool rednecks).
My internet access is limited. Comcast is the only ISP in Hell, and they have implemented the same mechanisms they’re trying to do on the surface: that is, charge you per type of access. For now, I just signed up for the “Social Media package.” It cost a portion of my soul, but was way cheaper than the heavily censored “full” internet. I’m not even going to tell you what that costs…
Satan says hi. He’s actually not so bad. Every week there’s a raffle for a weekend trip to the Heaven of your choice. You can go to Christian Heaven where all the death row people live in houses made of gold, or Jannah which is full of Saudi oil tycoons who fuck virgins all day (they keep a fresh supply). I don’t participate in the raffles, because I feel that both Heavens are flawed and selfish. I would rather just stay here in my little condo and talk about science with my new friends down here.
Anyways, hoping to escape one day, but security is tight. Be nice to each other up there, and make genuine efforts to create Heaven on earth. It doesn’t get any better than where you are right now, remember that. Even if your life is shitty, you still have life, which means you can improve things around you. Take a walk, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, be honest, and have confidence. Life is what you make of it, so make it count, and wear a smile.
