Florida Man scams women by pretending to have cancer; pulls gun on reporter

Sometimes good things happen in Florida. Cute headlines make national news against the torrent of derelicts that toply rank our Florida Man articles.

These good headlines are not always what they seem.

Take for instance:

“Florida Man With Terminal Cancer Fulfills Dying Wish, Marries a Long Lost Love After Reconnecting on Facebook…”

Sounds great, eh?

Problem is, he’s used his “cancer” to con a bunch of women out of their money.

Ken Boyer’s cancer diagnosis is also completely fake.

WKMG Orlando dug into the story and found a bunch of old ladies that got scammed, including one that gave him $22,000.

When Inside Edition tried to interviewed him, he did what any Florida Man would…

He pulled a gun on the news anchor.

Click Orlando also did some research on his scams.

So ladies, be vigilant, and never ever believe a Florida Man.

Suicidal Woman Shot by Winter Park Police

Orwin Manor Winter Park officer involved shooting

Orwin Manor is a ritzy little neighborhood in Orlando.

Within one of these overpriced homes near the intersection of Harmon and Wisconsin Avenue lives a couple, who like many Florida couples, made it onto our website.

As would anyone living in a city completely devoid of culture or quality entertainment, the girl living in this big house with her boyfriend became suicidal.

She picked up a gun (Florida homes usually have several lying around) and tried to evoke a pity party, telling her boyfriend that she was going to kill herself.

The boyfriend, who obviously has never read any Florida news, did the worst thing possible in this situation…

He called the cops.

They arrived, and did exactly what they’re trained to do. They shot her.

The woman was taken to the hospital with a gunshot wound that is not life-threatening, police said.

The Florida Department of Law Enforcement has taken over the investigation, as is standard for officer-involved shootings.

Source: wftv.com

Hurricane Season is Mother Nature’s Remedy for Tourists

Tourists Hurricanes

 

Tourists… They come here lifting their sun-screened noses high in the air, soaking sun rays into their cold decaying bodies. Midwestern baby boomers, teetering on the edge of death, with no concern for the future, arrive in flocks. They go to Disney a few times and fall in love. Then they move here.

They start selfishly voting for immediately gratifying policies that fuck future generations, because they’re gonna die soon and don’t care. Their kids and grand-kids are up north getting a real education, so there’s hardly a chance they’ll be affected. Everything they vote for is cheap and easy, with no foresight. In the same fashion that they happily fumble around on their iPhones with no understanding of the circuitry, they exploit the outer surface of Florida’s beauty while belligerently ignoring the fundamental aspects.

Funding for schools gets thrown out. Early childhood program’s budgets are slashed. There’s nowhere to go as a kid… nothing to do. So these kids turn into Florida Mans and Florida Womans. These victims of selfish greed become pathological Florida people. This is our reality.

Then a hurricane comes…

The great mediator. The judge who slices a line between the Natives who are eager to hunker down, and the Tourists who gas up their giant SUVs and head north.

And for a brief moment in time, as the chaos of the approaching storm wraps up Florida’s true children in a blanket of excitement, things are good. Things are real good…

 

Evacuations = Instant Concealed Weapon Licenses for Everyone in Florida

Thanks to an amendment made in 2015 by Rick Scott, anytime Florida issues a mandatory evacuation, you are automatically allowed to carry a concealed weapon, even if you don’t have a concealed weapon license.

https://www.flsenate.gov/Session/Bill/2015/0290/BillText/er/PDF

2015-concealed-weapon-bill-evacuation.pdf

This is great news for everyone.

Now we can shoot back at any hurricane that threatens us. Lock and load, muthafucka.

One argument for this absurd amendment is that looters could potentially steal leftover guns in people’s homes. Every single one of the responsible gun owners I know has a concealed weapon license already. Also, you can legally carry a gun that’s safely locked up in your trunk without a concealed weapon license, so the argument about looters is complete bullshit. This amendment is not only hilariously unnecessary, but dangerous. Oh well… Florida’s a lost cause. As the entire world laughs at the Gunshine State, all we can do is laugh too, and simply admit that we’re fucked up and will never get any better. You can’t fix stupid.

Shirtless Micanopy Man threatens parents with rifle and dead possum

William Markham

The town of Micanopy doesn’t have much going on, except for a fully nude strip club that serves mediocre coffee (I-75 makes me sleepy, don’t judge).

54-year-old William Markham is one of the rare folks who actually lives in Micanopy.

His home is across the street from Micanopy Cooperative School on Northwest 2nd Avenue, and he often complains about all the parents parking on the street outside as they wait to pick up their pesky children. Full Story »

Costanza Gun

costanza gun

Florida Costanza Moment: When you from Florida and can’t think of a good comeback so instead you just shoot ’em in the fuckin’ face and yell “STAND YOUR GROUND!”

 

costanza:

A Costanza is not being able to come up with a quick retort. Instead of being able to think on the spot, a Constanza thinks of a good comeback on the way home, in the car, the following day, two days later…

A Costanza then tries to recreate the conditions under which he was originally insulted so he can fling back a witty retort. The results range from pathetic to miserable.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=costanza