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WTFF News: F*ckery you can count on.
Bringing you the latest in dumb criminals, absurd antics, and ridiculous happenings, right here in the Gunshine State.

Lazy Person’s Guide to Surviving a Hurricane like a Pro

hurricane blowing

So, the mad scramble begins. Stores are shutting down, gas stations are wrapping up their pumps, and people are panicking… especially the newbies here.

Veteran Florida People are not worried.

How can you, as a non-native who failed to buy supplies ahead of time, survive this storm? Well it’s very easy. Learn from the locals, and you will be just fine. Hopefully one or two little markets are still open and you can fight the crowds to do some last minute shopping, if not just ignore the first couple of tips. Full Story »

Florida HQ on Hurricane Irma

rick-scott-hurricane-irma

Irma on track to be the most catastrophic storm for Florida, says Governor Rick Scott

“Hurricane Irma is beginning to better, err, to batter the Florida Keys with dangerous winds…”

One good thing about our state is we have very interpretive interpreters…

 

Florida Man seeks threesome to ‘ride out the hericane’

jacksonville-irma-threesome-01616_822oFrJLhRN_1200x900

Just in case you’re interested, here’s the original link:

https://keys.craigslist.org/m4w/d/do-you-need-place-to-ride-out/6296305618.html


do you need a place to ride out storm (jacksonville)

hello ladys single man here looking for any single women needing a place to stay in Jacksonville to ride out the hericane i live alone but hate to sleep alone its more fun to cuddle hold someone i dont smoke drink or do drugs but 420 friendly.i have a clean home with room to spare im white 5 8 160 blue eyes and lonely ive always wanted to be with 2 women at once so we can work something out lol you must respond with picture and tell me what you want to do or looking for if youre looking for something long term with a good man 50 dont look it or act it lol no picture no reply i like younger women age is just a number if you send a phone nuber with your picture ill call you not text call if i cant talk to you im not interested plain and simple too old for games

post id: 6296305618

body: athletic
height: 5’8″ (172cm)
status: single
florida: florida
age: 50

Screenshot

Greedy Bitches

gas-out-irma

If you’re one of the people who bought 6 months worth of bottled water and gas right at the last minute, you just fucked over thousands of people by preventing them from having any at all. You have a moral responsibility to share if this storm really does do some damage. Don’t be a greedy bitch.

Naked Hurricane Party

A man rides a bike past a bar with boarded up windows ahead for the arrival of Hurricane Irma in Tampa
A man rides a bike past a bar with boarded up windows ahead for the arrival of Hurricane Irma in Tampa, Florida, U.S., September 9, 2017. REUTERS/Chris Wattie

OK, so Reuters fucked up the information, but thankfully a Facebook fan corrected us. This is actually in Land O’ Lakes, Florida at a clothing optional resort called “Caliente.”

Florida man falls to death installing storm shutters ahead of Hurricane Irma

Man dies after falling from ladder while putting up shutters at Davie home20170908203205_10567589_ver1.0_1280_720

DAVIE, Fla. – The first Hurricane Irma-related death to be reported in South Florida happened Thursday in Davie, authorities said.

Davie police said a 57-year-old man died after falling off a ladder while putting up shutters at a home in the Shenandoah area.

“I never seen anything like that in my life, though. So, it’s really graphic,” Austin Doan said. Full Story »

New Florida Record

NationalEmbarrassment

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think it actually fucking happened… within the last 24 hours, as everyone scrambles to prepare for Hurricane Irma by purchasing copious amounts of drugs and alcohol, the news stations have not reported any stories of outlandishly depraved nonsense taking place… Either everyone’s too busy to get in trouble, or the news stations are making more money by just reporting stormy weather. Unless anyone can prove me wrong, we have officially earned this certificate. Good fucking job, Florida.

Hurricane Season is Mother Nature’s Remedy for Tourists

Tourists Hurricanes

 

Tourists… They come here lifting their sun-screened noses high in the air, soaking sun rays into their cold decaying bodies. Midwestern baby boomers, teetering on the edge of death, with no concern for the future, arrive in flocks. They go to Disney a few times and fall in love. Then they move here.

They start selfishly voting for immediately gratifying policies that fuck future generations, because they’re gonna die soon and don’t care. Their kids and grand-kids are up north getting a real education, so there’s hardly a chance they’ll be affected. Everything they vote for is cheap and easy, with no foresight. In the same fashion that they happily fumble around on their iPhones with no understanding of the circuitry, they exploit the outer surface of Florida’s beauty while belligerently ignoring the fundamental aspects.

Funding for schools gets thrown out. Early childhood program’s budgets are slashed. There’s nowhere to go as a kid… nothing to do. So these kids turn into Florida Mans and Florida Womans. These victims of selfish greed become pathological Florida people. This is our reality.

Then a hurricane comes…

The great mediator. The judge who slices a line between the Natives who are eager to hunker down, and the Tourists who gas up their giant SUVs and head north.

And for a brief moment in time, as the chaos of the approaching storm wraps up Florida’s true children in a blanket of excitement, things are good. Things are real good…

 

Evacuations = Instant Concealed Weapon Licenses for Everyone in Florida

Thanks to an amendment made in 2015 by Rick Scott, anytime Florida issues a mandatory evacuation, you are automatically allowed to carry a concealed weapon, even if you don’t have a concealed weapon license.

https://www.flsenate.gov/Session/Bill/2015/0290/BillText/er/PDF

2015-concealed-weapon-bill-evacuation.pdf

This is great news for everyone.

Now we can shoot back at any hurricane that threatens us. Lock and load, muthafucka.

One argument for this absurd amendment is that looters could potentially steal leftover guns in people’s homes. Every single one of the responsible gun owners I know has a concealed weapon license already. Also, you can legally carry a gun that’s safely locked up in your trunk without a concealed weapon license, so the argument about looters is complete bullshit. This amendment is not only hilariously unnecessary, but dangerous. Oh well… Florida’s a lost cause. As the entire world laughs at the Gunshine State, all we can do is laugh too, and simply admit that we’re fucked up and will never get any better. You can’t fix stupid.

Polk County Sheriff’s Office tells evacuees seeking shelter from Hurricane Irma that they will be escorted to jail if they have a warrant

Redditor GALACTICA-Actual has a brilliant exposition on this:

I’m ex law enforcement, and yes, this was an asshole move. I don’t know anything about this guy, so I’m not going to try to speak to his motivations, but this is problematic in a few ways.

Yes, if we run someone for a warrant and they pop, we’re duty bound to arrest them. And that’s how it should be.

The problem arises that people with warrants will possibly not seek shelter and may die because of that. Warrants can be for things as minor as traffic offenses. Full Story »