So, the mad scramble begins. Stores are shutting down, gas stations are wrapping up their pumps, and people are panicking… especially the newbies here.
Veteran Florida People are not worried.
How can you, as a non-native who failed to buy supplies ahead of time, survive this storm? Well it’s very easy. Learn from the locals, and you will be just fine. Hopefully one or two little markets are still open and you can fight the crowds to do some last minute shopping, if not just ignore the first couple of tips.
Last Minute Survival Tips:
- Stock up on weed and/or alcohol – Pick your vice. You will be spending lots of time in the dark, bored, with no electricity. You may be around people that you love but can’t stand. You may be alone. Either way, you will feel better if you have something to placate your worried mind with. Storms can be stressful, treat yourself. BUY AHEAD OF TIME. Most liquor stores will be closed during the hurricane, and you’re hard pressed to find a dealer that will deliver during CAT 5 weather…
- Stock up on guns and ammunition – There will be displaced creatures roaming the peninsula. From Florida Mans to Trampites to Flakka Mans, there will be plenty of danger around. Most of these creatures are not bright enough to get into your house under normal circumstances, but if your walls are knocked down it’s another story. Protect yourself.
- Believe in something – When shit gets real, you will want to default to a faith system that can console you and keep your mind calm. It doesn’t matter if praying is effective or not, what matters is that you’re relaxed and confident when a tree comes flying at 160 MPH through your brain, leaving the remains of your gray matter scurrying around in the patterns of the wind. If that’s your fate, just relax, and let it happen. Panicking will only ruin this short and beautiful experience of being alive. There’s nothing you can do to prevent fate from unfurling, so chill. 99.99999999% of the time you won’t die. This weekend will be like any other, just a little more wet and windy.
- Believe in nothing – Alternatively, you could just believe that the law of entropy basically demands that our universe will only ever increase in chaos, according to physics. Hence violent weather. You’re fucked no matter what you do, so try to have a good time.
- Relax – It’s just a hurricane.
- Join a Hurricane Party – Nothing takes the edge of like surrounding yourself with some good Natives who ain’t scared. Unity creates strength, so put your ego aside and ask for help. Also, we’ve been stock-piling essentials since the last 10 hurricanes, so we’re prepared not only mentally but physically. You’re welcome.
The most important tip we will save for last:
Believe.
Everything’s going to be just fine…
